The 2014 NFL Season Preview (Just the Fun and Gossip-y Parts)

By Lord Castleton | Lists | September 3, 2014 |

We’re less than a day away from kickoff of the 2014-2015 NFL season and for those of you who haven’t had a chance to catch up with the latest hubbub here’s a quick look at what’s been happening:

A wayward Keebler elf won the Kentucky Derby …

… then took Molly, handed out $100 bills to strangers, then went back to the Denver Broncos, where he was brained by a mouthy Texan and concussed.

That caused his quarterback, a part-time peace officer, to throw a touchdown over said Texan.

The QB then mocked the Texan, thereby garnering him the first and only taunting penalty of his Hall of Fame career along with a $8300.00 fine.

“Money well spent” The officer said, presumably while eating Papa John’s pizza.

The Keebler elf was later suspended by the NFL for four games for using molly in the first place.

In other news, Josh Gordon — a young receiver phenom —- stood too close to some ne’er-do-wells and caught marijuana breath. The NFL gave him his walking papers for a year, or as he likes to call it, freedom.

I mean, I think that’s what it says. I can’t figure out what the hell that is on his left pinkie. Looks like an menhir from the Asterix and Obelix series.

Speaking of being too close to something dangerous, this season’s Hard Knocks was more or less about a former better-than-average linebacker sitting in proximity to a talking hair helmet. He is now financially responsible for what appears to be seventeen children under the age of four.

If there was one takeaway from Hard Knocks other than that Matthew Ice’s dazzling personality can be successfully used to euthanize small farm animals, it’s that the Atlanta Falcons will never win a Super Bowl.

Sorry, I know words can be hurtful.

Other things that can be hurtful? Getting behind the wheel of a vehicle while under the influence of oxycodone and hydrocodone and any other kind of codone. So sayeth the good folks over at league headquarters who suspended Indianopolis Colts’ owner Jim Irsay for six games for generally being an embarrassing, drunken ass. More importantly, they banned him from using social media to discuss his team for a year, which means we all can brace ourselves for 12 months of incomprehensible tweeted lyrics from Neil Young B-sides.

Perennial douchenozzles Philip Rivers and Jay Cutler have been eerily stomachable through four preseason games, but some young QB turks threaten to steal their thunder. Robert Griffin III was able to get his last coach canned but has royally sucked this preseason.

John Football, meanwhile, led the preseason in ground balls, middle fingers and getting hammered in Vegas, three ingredients which always add up to a Hall of Fame career.

johnny-manziel-flipping-the-bird-against-washington.gif

What else … what else …

Oh. The Greatriots traded away two farm boys for draft picks which they will eventually turn into receivers who don’t make the team.

Super Bowl winning QB Russell Wilson, who refers to himself as Dange-RUSS (I wish I was kidding) is still tweeting scripture and asking for more God.

…except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They’re so perky, I love that.

The Seahawks open the season tomorrow night, hosting the Green Bay Packers. But it’s probably the Pack who should be asking for help from above: Seattle hasn’t lost a prime time home game in the Pete Carroll era.

It’ll be tough sledding for Packers QB Aaron Rodgers who has temporarily put the question of his sexual preference to bed by dating bombshell Olivia Munn.

Here he shows us his off-field face. She was the unfortunate victim of recent privacy invasion by a wandering 4chan sadness troll.

Speaking of things that should be wiped off the face of the earth, the prepubescent owner of the Washington football team continues to dig in his heels about his team name …

… John Gruden continues to bring his own brand of mental illness to the booth for Monday Night Football …

… and fans across the league continue to whistle past the graveyard as Eli Manning reignites his crusade to break the single-season interception record.

Seriously people! Wake up! He stopped being startable like two and a half Aleutian summers ago! Is it because he’s a Manning? Because he’s football royalty? My daughter’s Playmobile pirate ship has a more accurate cannon! Just because Peyton can do it, doesn’t mean Eli can.

I’d much rather see him on SNL, anyway.

Text Message Evidence w/ Eli Manning from Chucky Doll on Vimeo.

And now we’ve come full circle.

Lastly, for the fantasy football enthusiasts out there, a brief list of the players who will break their bodies in some fashion in the first six minutes of the football season, along with the ailing body part.

DeMarco Murray — hamstring

Andre Johnson— groin

Cam Newton — rib

Wes Welker — medulla

Tom Brady — metal dog-attracting boner