There are certain truths that I, personally, hold to be self-evident. All people are created equal, sure. Also: haters gonna hate. That’s what they do! It’s in the name! And then there is the one that we don’t really like to talk about, but all know instinctively to be true:
If there is a hole, someone has tried to fuck it.
Well gang, the time has come for us to talk about that last one, because last Friday some dude in Germany had to have a dumbbell disc weight cut off from his penis.
Look, I’m not here to judge. There are actually perfectly sound health reasons to practice genital weight training, for both men and women! Everybody can do kegels. And if this gentleman was in fact attempting some cock-curls, there is actually a weighted cock ring, appropriately entitled the “Private Gym”, that could help him in the future. There is also the possibility that he is an objectophile! Objectum sexuality is an entire category of sexual and emotional attraction to inanimate objects. It’s legit. One woman married the Eiffel Tower.
And in the interest of fairness, I feel obligated to point out that there is an equal and opposite truth regarding objects and bodily orifices in general — it’s easy to find lists of things people have lost up their ass or in vaginas, usually courtesy of an ER doctor or loose-tongued nurse, and sometimes accompanied by X-Rays to document the occasion. Hell, every small town in American has some teenage urban legend about the girl two classes up who was taken to the emergency room with a frozen hot dog stuck up her hoo-ha. It’s that “frozen” detail that makes it more believable… and more uncomfortable. You can even find lists of things stuck in ears and up noses, because putting things in holes isn’t always sexual. Something about holes just need to be filled.
So look, “holes” is a complex topic, ok? But let’s be honest: you’re not here to read about holes that aren’t getting fucked. You’re here to read about holes that are getting fucked but maybe SHOULDN’T be. See the difference? So, in the interest of health and humanity, let’s list some fuckable holes that should probably stay un-fucked, shall we? I am not making these up. Someone, somewhere, has tried to fuck these things and had it end in public humiliation and/or a hospital visit (or at the very least a confession on Reddit).
- car exhaust pipes
- inflatable pool rafts
- a vacuum cleaner
- water bottles
- steel pipes
- a picnic table (with an umbrella-hole, obvs)
- a park bench
- a jar of pasta sauce
- an empty toilet paper tube
- a jacuzzi
- a banana peel
- a shoe
- a tub of Vick’s Vaporub
- a toilet seat
- a teddy bear
- a toaster
- a wedding ring (cue commitment jokes)
- a Hot Pocket (ok, that makes sense)
And we can’t forget the objects that don’t start out with holes but definitely CAN have holes if you try hard enough, such as:
- different types of bread (our own Rebecca Pahle has already explored the sexual potential in different types of loaf)
- a hollowed-out pickle
- a cactus (points for bravery!)
And finally, there are the objects that get fucked despite not seeming to have any identifiable holes, such as:
- a bicycle
- street signs
- lamp posts
- a kitchen counter
- the road
This is hardly an exhaustive list. I don’t think it would be possible to come up with a complete list of every object someone has tried to fuck. And you know what? As long as you’re not hurting anybody and hopefully staying safe with your own body, and a firefighter isn’t going to have to cut you out of anything, then have fun with those holes! Just maybe not gym weights, because other people have to use those. Wipe them down or something.
And if a farmer tells you not to stick your dick in any particular holes, LISTEN TO HIM!