Alex Jones, moron, tweeted out our super secret plans to start a second civil war on July 4 this year. Oh no. He totally blew our big plans.

Anyway, one wondrous thing to come out of Jones’ continuing fuckery and dangerous bullshit? SECOND CIVIL WAR LETTERS.

Dearest Mother,

Nearly a year has passed since they refused to bake a cake for that man-liking fellow, and now it has come to a head. What madness befell the Blues then cannot be corralled any further.

Billy

PS. Please send Whataburger#secondcivilwarletters

— Bill O'Zimmermann (@The_Reliant) July 3, 2018

My love,

I found myself in a shell hole with a Kekistani soldier. He was about to bayonet me, but I cried 'You have an anime avatar, your opinion doesn't matter!'. He collapsed crying. He was no more than 14 years.

This war makes monsters of us all. #secondcivilwarletters

— Mike Stuchbery 💀🍷 (@MikeStuchbery_) July 3, 2018

Dearest Emma
Colonel Hannity's red hats ambushed us at the Galleria yesterday. Many brave men were lost. We are down to our last wedge of Brie and the Chardonnay is dangerously close to room temperature. Remember: Tuesday is recycling . #SecondCivilWarLetters

— A Fritz (@AnthonyFritz19) July 3, 2018

Dear Ma,
We destroyed them at the battle for HobbyLobby! Many of the MAGAits were stricken with dysentery from eating day-old Chick-Fil-A, needless to say the covfefe is piling up.
Send shovels & air freshener. #secondcivilwarletters

— J Girl 💪🏽 (@jerseygirl85331) July 3, 2018

Dearest wife,

At morning's light, we engaged the MAGA horde. Many on our side spilled our Iced Vanilla Lattes as we pushed the red-capped KEK battalion with their misspelled signs back to the Chick-fil-A. I am running low on Kind bars. War is truly heck. #secondcivilwarletters

— PegasusX21 (@PegasusX21) July 3, 2018

Dearest,
Times grow lean. Chai stocks are low, and instead of La Croix they expect us to drink water. WATER. What we shall do when the quinoa runs out I know not. Still we fare better than the enemy, who resort to Slim Jims and Miracle Whip milkshakes.#secondcivilwarletters

— Abaddon (@BacchusFan) July 3, 2018

My dearest:

A brief skirmish yesterday against the 24th Kek Company, 3rd Incel Batallion ended in a terrible slaughter, though their commander sent a Gab post warning us that he had studied the blade. The field is a horror of blooded waifu pillows. #secondcivilwarletters

— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) July 3, 2018

Dear Ma,

I have gone underground with a number of other women in order to detect the enemy who lives amongst us. We stand in a crowded place and express an opinion, and any man who stops and says, “Well, actually…” is shot on sight. #secondcivilwarletters

— Elizabeth Roderick (@LidsRodney) July 3, 2018

Dearest Agatha,

May this letter find you well.

The Red Hats entered the field of battle astride their mobility scooters.

We tipped them over forthwith.

"I have fallen and cannot make America great again," cried out a liver spotted Red Hat.#secondcivilwarletters

— Shane Roth (@apexnerd) July 3, 2018

Jodi Smith is a Senior Reporter, Film & Television at Pajiba. You can email her or follow her on Twitter.