Christmas is almost here and you’ve waited until the last minute to finish your shopping. While I don’t have any ideas for those people on your list that you actually care about, I’m full of suggestions for the people you hate but have to buy for anyway.
For Your Republican Government Officials
The Golden Rule by Ilene Cooper
Since the Republicans who are supposed to be representing us in our government are instead choosing to vote for a tax bill that will enrich them and not their constituents, I think they would do well to learn about The Golden Rule. This book is written for children aged 5 to 9 years old, so they should be able to understand everything in it. It’s also illustrated, so it should be able to keep the attention of even President Fun Dip.
That Grandparent Who’s Racist And Thinks Being Gay Is A Sin
A Tikker watch will calculate the life expectancy of the wearer and then start a countdown to their probable time of death. Next time gramma tells you that marriage is between a man and a woman only, you can respond, “HOW MUCH TIME IS LEFT ON YOUR TIKKER THERE, GRAN?”
Annoying Co-Worker Who Spends All Day Talking Before Pawning Off Their Work Onto Others
This book includes “How to Sound Smart Over the Phone”, “What To Do With Your Face”, and many other tips for making your co-worker outwardly display their inner incompetence.
The Cousin Who Always Complains About Those Other People Who Scam Welfare
The White Trash Cookbook by Ernest Matthew Mickler
Let’s be honest. This cousin doesn’t do any cooking that isn’t instant Ramen noodles or reheating the last of a case of White Castle sliders from two days ago. Maybe they’ll actually use their new recipe book to make their kids Mock-Cooter Stew instead of Valu Rite chicken nuggets.
Measurements include “quite a bit”, “good-sized”, and “enough”, ensuring that your cousin won’t get too confused and settle on giving the new baby a Mountain Dew Energy drink for dinner again.
The Cousin Who Lives At Home and Has A “Girlfriend” from the Internet
Proving once again that Amazon has everything - an Imaginary Friend! You can customize the imaginary friend with the personality and intelligence your cousin is missing. Put them in the latest styles or dress them like an old-timey hobo; the sky’s the limit!
The Uncle with the Converted Basement Apocalypse Shelter
So far he only has SPAM and Walmart water, but once he gets his tax check he might grab a couple pallets of Hormel Chili from a dude he knows from high school. That’s why you should give him these meals in a bucket. Not only will you guarantee yourself a spot in his basement shelter when the End Times arrive, but you’ll also have toilet buckets once all the meals are made. Two gifts in one.