I don’t watch much live television anymore, but when I do it is a football game. NCAA or NFL, I’m watching it. I’m already annoyed as hell at my team’s season (Go Bears?) and the endless penalties assessed after breaking down a play millisecond by millisecond, but now holiday commercials are here. Holiday commercials are here and they are already driving me out of my mind, multiple times per game.
I hate them so very much that I decided to share them with you, mainly as a display of power.
First and foremost, a mighty “get fucked” to all of the commercials where people living in palatial homes with picture-perfect Christmas snow get excited about the overpriced luxury cars they receive for their holiday gift.
It makes me want to punch you. It’s a car, not a puppy or something fun. It’s an expensive car, you doof.
Next let’s say hello to Nick Cannon and Nick Cannon as two annoying characters in one T-Mobile ad.
WHY DO WE NEED TWO NICK CANNONS?? I MEAN, I KNOW WHY, BUT WHY????
Here we have the Apple commercial where two people bump into each other and there is music, choreography, and millions of pounds of annoyance emanating from me. Sam Smith sounds like ass and all of his songs are indistinguishable from one another, save the squealing and indecipherable lyrics.
This Target commercial with lots of characters and annoying children is mostly annoying because I’ve seen it approximately dickety-five times. Also, I don’t know what they’re going for, as every time I hear it start I blackout and wake up wrapped in a blanket while fires burn nearby.
This NFL Shop commercial was okay the first time I saw it. It’s the one where the dude wears a Raiders sweater to his lady’s family’s house and they are all Chiefs fans. Now when I see it I think about how the chick can probably do better than Raider fan, but her family judges everyone based on team affiliation and she just wants to live her life. Dating a Raiders fan is her form of rebellion. Next year? I HOPE YOU LIKE BROWNS FANS, MOM AND DAD!
STOP THE DRUMS. Every commercial break I hear these drums. I hear them outside my window at night, which is odd since I’m on the second floor. I hear them when I shower. I hear them when I’m watching television—BECAUSE THIS COMMERCIAL IS ON GODDAMNED CONSTANTLY.
I’m not going to make it to Christmas this year, am I? At least not as a free woman.