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Important Things You Learn From Not Watching The Debate

By Emily Cutler | Lists | October 20, 2016 |

By Emily Cutler | Lists | October 20, 2016 |

Hello, friends. How’s your Thursday going? Good? Last night, did you watch one highly-skilled opponent crush the ever-living soul out of another in what used to be considered one of American’s greatest strengths but is increasingly being viewed with suspicion and exasperation? Or if you’re not a baseball fan, maybe you watched the Presidential debates? I didn’t watch either because I was studying the Financial Accounting Standards Board Accounting Standards Codification. Now you know that that’s a thing, and we’re all sad.

But you can still learn a great deal from not watching the debates. I’m here to point you in the right direction.

1) Stephen Colbert Will Still Hook You Up With That Good, Good Debate Cush

2) The Onion Is Not Long For This World
Before this election, if you saw the headline “Trump Says Hillary Clinton ‘Rips Babies From The Womb During The Ninth Month’ During Presidential Debate,” you’d think, “Funny joke, The Onion, but you might be pushing it.” No longer. If the news told me this morning that mid-debate Trump had grabbed and bitten the head off a dove a la Ozzy Osbourne, I would think, “Was that during a point he was making about ‘white genocide?’” We are through the looking glass, people.

3) Revenue From Non-Refundable Portions Of Membership Fees Are To Be Recognized And Recorded Over The Life Of The Membership
I don’t think anyone here cares about that, but it took me three hours to find the right standard so I’m telling. Eve. Ry. One.


4) When You Say Something Stupid To Clinton, Her Campaign Will Run With It

I’m betting we’ll see these by end of day. In the meantime, maybe go check out

Oh, yeah. Hillary did that shit.

5) Janet Jackson Is Going To Have A Great Week