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I'm A Dickbag and So Can You!: A Guide To Expressing Opinions On the Internet

By Jodi Smith | Lists | June 1, 2015 |

By Jodi Smith | Lists | June 1, 2015 |

Hello! I see that you have found your way to the amazing and wondrous Internet! We have porn, cat pictures, and lots of opportunities for people to share their opinions on various subjects. Perhaps you are wondering about the best practices for sharing those opinions here on the Internet. Well, new friend, I am here to help!

1. Don’t research any sources or verify the veracity of anything you find on the Internet that backs up your opinion.

Did your grandma’s second cousin’s daughter’s baby daddy post a link on Facebook to a story about feminists tricking men into getting them pregnant so they abort the babies, eat them and gain their baby powers in an attempt to overthrow men? Great! You can now back up your opinions about feminists while in your meninist groups and Twitter rampages! Don’t forget to cite your sources, like The Onion and The Daily Currant! That’s just polite internetting.

2. If anyone disagrees with your opinions, that person must pay dearly.

Were you minding your business browsing reddit’s front page when suddenly someone egregiously posted that Anna Kendrick is overrated? That sort of opinion cannot exist in the world you live in, friend. Don’t just keep scrolling, allowing this heathen to sit in their wrongness and be wrong with no penalty. Click right on that link and tell that person that their opinion is incorrect because you’ve seen all of Kendrick’s films and you know for a fact that she is, if anything, underrated in her dancing, singing, and acting prowess.

Then find that person’s real information and, under cover of your Internet pseudonym and the blanket you still sleep with in lieu of a significant other, you set your ample spare time to arguing with them on every conceivable social media platform the Internet has to offer. They must learn that only one opinion can be correct in this situation and that it is not their stupid opinion.

3. Whenever you see an article you are guaranteed to disagree with, click on it.

Let’s say you decided to take a break from tauntingthreateningteaching someone their opinion about something is wrong. Now what? Just start looking for headlines that are destined to make your IQ drop 50 points and make your blood pressure rocket at least that many. That Duggar boy touched his sisters inappropriately and some people think he should be punished? You’d better get into that comment thread and drop some knowledge on the clearly stupid and immoral people that think he should pay for these sexual assaults.

Be sure to use my first and second tips when dealing with the people in the comment thread. Keep in mind that:

4. If anyone disagrees with any of your opinions, that person is clearly sub-human and ignorant.

The first thing to do when dealing with someone with a different opinion than yours is to call that person a name. Liberal, hipster, Atheist, idiot, shitface, whorebag, and The Great Satan are all great jumping off points for a productive and compassionate discussion.

5. Use circular reasoning, unsound logic, and other fallacious forms of argument to prove your point.

Some people will want to keep discouraging you from forcing your opinions and viewpoints down their throats. They will use facts and statistics and verified sources to attempt to confuse and anger you. Don’t let them win! Just keep re-stating your opinion in different ways while also accusing your opponent of name-calling, immaturity, and being unemployed. In the end, you will emerge triumphant, with your adversary exhausted and enraged from the wasted efforts to make you think people can have opinions that differ from yours. They may even try to make you think that your opinions are not fact. This is when you start comparing people to Hitler.

Remember, the Internet is a huge place, filled with people harboring deluded fantasies that their opinions are as valid as yours. Don’t let them shake your immovable adherence to half-truths, deep-seated racism, or fear of change. Soldier on and keep fighting the fight of fights.