While watching a Halloween makeup tutorial I started to think about possible costumes I might see during our town’s annual adults-only pub crawl this month. Last year I saw Bob Ross and one of his paintings as a couples costume, lots of fellow Harley Quinns, some people surrounded by inflatables, and lots of heroes. I don’t recall seeing anyone in something horrible or racist, so that was nice and I hope I don’t see it this year either.
My brain is my brain, so once I started thinking about possible costumes for other people, it turned into ideas that could be heinous or delightful. It likely depends on the person wearing the costume and exactly how they put it together. Either way, I’m sharing these ideas here so I can free up some space for more important information — like whether Jake Paul really is a nice kid or if I should eat another Reese’s Pumpkin.
Brett Kavanaugh’s Calendar
If the person wearing it puts ridiculous shit on the calendar — like “had one beer” or “stayed home to pray with grandmother” — it might be…nevermind. It’s still terrible to trivialize a bullshit bunch of chicken scratch on random dates used it to discredit a sexual assault survivor by making it a jokey frat boy costume. DO NOT WEAR THIS.
Big Dick Energy
Now this one is fine. You could make yourself look like an energy drink and “BIG DICK” could be its name with a nice, flesh-toned font in the label. If the costume is going to an all adults party, you could dress up in a penis costume and carry around an energy drink. Simple, stupid, and not offensive.
Put on a Spider-Man costume and then use wire or something to float squares of color away from your body. Devastating for kids, horrifying for all!
Omarosa’s Tape Recorder
The important part of this costume is spouting useless information everyone already knows after making a really big deal about what you recorded.
Ben Affleck’s Back Tattoo
This costume requires only some feathers and a poorly thought out constellation of them glued onto your entire body.
Anonymous New York Times OpEd Writer
For this costume you need to be white, dressed in a suit, and complicit in the night’s activities while also doing small things that make no difference. Give another shot to the visibly drunk dude but then whisper under your breath, “I think that’s a bad idea.” Punch someone in the throat when dared, but take your rings off first.
Kylo Ren’s High Pants
You can look out of the zipper, kids.
Little Cardi B
ONLY IF YOU ARE BLACK. Do you understand me white people? DO NOT DRESS AS BABY CARDI B IF YOU ARE WHITE. Be sure to spout some of the better takes on the memes born of Cardi’s huge mistake in sharing something with the interet.
My momma said we got to watch you while you in the house, cause you steal. pic.twitter.com/ljjDCixdEv— Deku Meliodas Uzumaki (@Chris_CrossYa2x) July 9, 2018
Header Image Source: Disney