Twitter is going nuts over Harvard professor Dr. Eric Rimm’s insistence that French fries are “starch bombs” and that every meal should come with just six of them. Six French fries should be a serving, says Mr. Harvard teacher guy. SIX. Furthermore, he wants the loss of more fries to be replaced with a salad.

I don't have time for this kind of negativity in my life right now https://t.co/zFCFvhKMD2

— Padma Lakshmi (@PadmaLakshmi) December 4, 2018

Now, I will let you know that the same New York Times article said that baking the fries instead of frying them is better. HOWEVER, it then singles out poutine as being the worst way to consume fries, which will not stand, man. I mean, what’s next? Telling me that I can only eat one-and-a-half buffalo chicken wings as a serving? Just the tip of a piece of cherry pie?

Wait, what’s this?

Ms. [Elaine] Magee said to savor the flavor. Take half a fry, put it on your tongue and close your eyes, she said.

So I’m supposed to take six fries, cut them into halves, and then let each one sit in my mouth to fall to mush? To remove the pleasure of experiencing the crunchy, salty outside? Who are these maniacs trying to destroy our lives and why do they hate happiness? Now we have rules for enjoying fried chunks of potato? What am I supposed to do with the side of cheese that came with the fries? Can I drink it or IS THAT SOMEHOW BAD FOR ME TOO? GAWL.

You should pipe down, College Boy, public says https://t.co/VW9WuTokuC

— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) December 4, 2018

Jodi Smith is a Senior Reporter, Film & Television at Pajiba. You can email her or follow her on Twitter.