On both a personal and professional level, I’m starting to feel the pressure to get caught up on the TV I’m missing. The list of shows on which I’m behind gets longer and longer. The Leftovers, Brooklyn Nine- Nine, did I watch The Goldbergs last week? Jane the Virgin is back? Damnit! When did that happen?
And so on and so on. There’s not enough time in the day to get it all done. I’ve already cut out all of the shows I feel I can, and it’s still not enough. So in the interest of science and mostly in the interest of watching sweet, sweet TV, I’ve considered a few different ways to squeeze more watching hours into busier and busier days.
Let’s see which ones work and which ones mean I might end up alone with my TV forever.
Nope. Uh- huh. Not going to happen. Unlike my boss I am not able/ willing to sleep less than 7 hours a night. People tell me they sleep 4 hours a night, and I look at them like they’re monsters. There is almost nothing I’d rather do than sleep. And that includes TV. Next.
If I’m not willing to stay awake on my own, maybe I’d be willing to start an incredibly addictive drug that will force me to stay awake? The roughly 6 cups of coffee I drink each day are no longer having the desired effect so maybe it’s time to get really real. Meth could easily keep me awake long enough to watch all of the shows that have ever existed. And even though I don’t think I want to catch up on 52 years worth of Doctor Who episodes, with meth I at least have the option. Plus meth will get my heart rate going and burn off all of those precious, precious calories so I won’t need to waste time exercising. Unfortunately, while I want to watch TV, I’d rather not die. And I have absolutely no idea where I’d even get meth. This plan is foiled by my unrelenting inability to be hip. Thanks anyway, meth.
But studies have shown that the U.S. is far too concerned with cleanline . .
And that over cleaning can actually lead to weaker immun . .
Water conservation is a serious issu…
IF I ONLY SHOWER ONCE A WEEK I COULD WATCH AT LEAST 3 MORE HOURS OF TV.
Fine, I’ll continue maintaining basic hygiene. But I was counting on not showering to help me with my next option.
End All Relationships With Friends And Family
Sorry, everybody. It’s been real, but your constant love and support isn’t getting TV watched. If you’d like to sit with me and bask in warm glowing warming glow of the TV, I’m pretty sure everything is going to turn out just fine.
Now at this point, I realize that I’ve been focusing on changing things as they are in my life instead of just trying to fix what has changed. If I used to have the time to watch all of the TV I wanted, why isn’t that the case anymore? What’s gone so wrong in my life that I can’t fit in the simple pleasure of watching 16 - 20 hours of TV a week? Oh, that’s right. Now I know what I have to do.
Graduate College and Get A “Real” Job
I know. I know. Everyone is going to immediately jump down my throat because having a real job doesn’t mean more free time. A lot of you are probably remembering your carefree days as an undergrad. “You want to talk about busy? I’ve got a full time job that I need to excel at because I have a family to support. A family which also takes up my free time, and requires a home which I have to maintain. I’d love to be a college student again.”
I said exactly the same thing 18 months ago. And as it turns out, college isn’t that awesome.
Of course it could just be that college isn’t that awesome for me. I’m an older student so I don’t have the same involvement in the student body or the same energy level. But it isn’t just that I’m different this time around. Getting a Bachelor’s degree is more expensive than it used to be, but also significantly less valuable. Most of the students I’m graduating with will need a Master’s just to a decent entry level position. That doesn’t stop most universities from increasing the work load as colleges are getting harder and harder to get into. College is now a necessity rather than a luxury, and schools are making sure it feels that way.
Despite all appearances, this post isn’t actually just an excuse for me to complain about college. It’s true that going back might have severely impacted my ability to stay on top of cultural relevance (Fargo’s back too?! AHHHH!), but I’m admittedly very lucky to be in a position where I can go back to school. Instead I hope this’ll be a bonding experiencing for a lot of people. Seeing firsthand that the grass isn’t actually greener. That reality usually falls short of expectations. That hoping that things will be better is a noble exercise in optimism even if it sometimes leads to disappointing results, and the underlying truth that unites most humans: people will always find shit to bitch about.