I dunno if you’ve heard, but apparently Sunday’s episode of Game of Thrones leaked online so anything you read about the upcoming penultimate episode of the season could be TAINTED by SPOILERS and actual FOREKNOWLEDGE.
Not ‘round these parts, though. I can personally guarantee that not only have I not looked at a pirated copy of Season 7, Episode 6 - I barely remember what’s happened in the previous 5 episodes! Or the show as a whole! My memory sucks and I get easily distracted while going “OOH LOOK, DRAGONS!”
I’ve seen a lot of articles speculating about who will live or die in the upcoming episode. Not only because the second to last episode of any given GoT season tends to be a bloodbath (hello, Red Wedding!), but because THIS episode will likely follow Jon Snow and his merry band of misfits as they head beyond the wall in search of a White Walker to bring back south as proof that there really is an army of the dead on the march. To be fair, the episode is titled “Beyond the Wall” so… it’s not exactly a huge leap to make. But it kind of seems like cheating to place Vegas odds on characters when the person setting the odds may already have seen the episode! So, in the interest of balance, I wanted to take it upon myself (the least-qualified Pajiban in all things GoT) to speculate wildly about the events that are about to unfold.
So here they are, my 100% pure and unbiased opinions about what is going to happen this Sunday. And if anything I say turns out to be true, you all owe me a beer. ALL OF YOU.
Wouldn’t that be a kicker? This show spends season after season preparing you to see your favorite characters get beheaded or stabbed or otherwise dismembered in the second to last episode. And instead, in the penultimate episode of the penultimate season, NOBODY FUCKING DIES. In fact, maybe Beric gets healthier or something (he’s been looking a little rough). Even Cersei treats herself to a spa-day.
Everyone On The Expedition Dies EXCEPT Jon And Beric
This is a given, because they both have already died and were bought back to life by the power of the Lord of Light or whatever! But the twist is that everyone in the party — the Hound, Gendry, Thoros, poor sweet Tormund, Jorah Mormont, Jon and Beric — do get ripped to shreds by the ice zombies. It’s just that Jon and Beric aren’t really alive anyway, so they can’t really die OR be turned, and the episode ends with their limbs wriggling across the bloodied snow. Cut to black.
They Never Even Get Beyond The Wall
Not for lack of trying, though. They load up their abominable snowgoats (they ride large snowy mountain goats now, btw) and prepare to head out through the wall. Only Dany rides up with her dragons and stops them. She proposes to Jon Snow and they start totally making out, right in front of Jorah, which gets AWWWW-KWARD. Meanwhile her dragons fly ahead and burn the shit out of all the White Walkers. The episode ends with Drogon eating the Night King, and we’re all left to wonder what the hell the show will do for the remaining episodes.
Gendry Is The Prince That Was Promised
The bastard son of Robert Baratheon runs headfirst into battle, swinging his giant hammer thing… which bursts into flames! Elsewhere in the world, Melisandre has a vision and is like “Oh snap, I totally seduced that kid” and then breaths a sigh of relief that he didn’t get sacrificed that one time. Jon Snow still knows nothing and just stares, blankly, at the fiery hammer carnage.
Gendry Is The Rightful King
Maybe he isn’t the prophesied Prince, but what if all of this is actually leading up to the fact that a true Baratheon heir should sit on the Iron Throne? … Nah. That’ll never happen.
They Get Their White Walker Sample In The First 10 Minutes
They totally lucked out, and just found a random ice zombie wandering around RIGHT next to the wall. So they nab it and head south. And because everyone is just teleporting around the Seven Kingdoms anyway, Jon Snow end up in King’s Landing with his caged Walker with 5 minutes left in the episode. Spoiler alert: it escapes and eats Cersei.
Bran Finally Tells Jon Who His Parents Are
Seriously, the kid could have sent a fucking raven ages ago. And yeah, ok fine, maybe “Bee Tee Dubs, Ned Isn’t Your Dad And You’re Actually Half-Targaryen” is the sort of a conversation you’d want to have in person. But time is getting short, and Bran is emotionally dead now anyway, so he just writes it down and pops it off with a raven. Jon gets it while on the run from the evil undead, and is like HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS. But everyone else has died so no one hears him. But now that he knows he’s half-Targaryen, he just mentally calls out for one of Dany’s dragons, who teleports north and roasts all the zombies. Then Jon flies back to Dragonstone and he and Dany totally make out.
Brienne Rides To The Rescue
All is looking bleak for our band of misfits. The Hound is acting all sullen, nobody is taking Jon seriously (because duh, he knows nothing), and Thoros keeps lighting his goddamn sword on fire and it’s like DUDE — that’s kind of a dead giveaway, have you never heard of “stealth”? Tormund is about to ditch these punks and go be a fucking wildling elsewhere, when suddenly Brienne rides up. And they totally start making out in front of everyone, and it would be awkward but it’s so hot that everyone is really into. Even the Night King, who was watching them THE WHOLE TIME.
Dougie Finally Turns Back Into Agent Cooper
Oh wait, wrong show.