Fact: There are some actors who, whether by neglect, overrated-ness, actual abuse, or sheer dick-headery, don’t deserve the careers we’ve seen fit to bestow upon them.
Fact: There are many, many more actors whose talent and general appeal deserve significantly better careers than they currently have. That means it is up to us to begin the Great Actor Career Swap of 2017. Starting with:
Who Needs To Go: Johnny Depp
This one’s a given, right? Everyone knows why Depp doesn’t deserve to have a career anymore? Because of the not knowing his lines, not really trying at all to be an actor, being an absolute asshole about literally everything, and, oh yeah, being an actual wife-beater? Plus look at that picture. Come on.
To Be Replaced With: Colin Farrell
Hell, yes, Colin Farrell. He’s got all of the things we used to love about Johnny Depp, and he looks like he’s bathed recently. Doesn’t he? You want a pretty boy who aged like a fine wine? Colin’s got that. A reformed bad-boy who seems to have genuinely settled into family life? On it. An actor who was miscast as a romantic/action-leading-man when he’s best at playing off-kilter weirdos? Hello, all of Farrell’s collaborations with Martin McDonagh. What, you need someone who romanced America’s sweetheart who herself went on to momentarily fall out of the country’s good graces? We got that shit too. Face it, Farrell is everything we want Depp to be with none of the garbage. And he’s got the Emma Thompson seal of approval.
Who Needs To Go: Vince Vaughn
This is one of those cases where it’s the combination of smaller infractions creating a bigger problem. On the one hand, you’ve got Vaughn’s questionable views on gun control, his general assholishness, and the fact that he hasn’t made a good movie since 2006 (I maintain that The Break-Up was actually a decent movie, just wildly mis-advertised). We could overlook your bad movies if we really loved you. Or we could overlook your dickery if we really loved your movies. But both is just too much.
To Be Replaced With: Kathryn Hahn
For. The. Love. Of. God. Stop. Making. Kathryn. Hahn. The. Best. Friend.
What is wrong with the world? How could anyone know anything about Kathryn Hahn, and not put her in every movie? Is there a single thing that Vaughn used to do well that Hahn can’t do now? Perfect comedic timing? Rapid fire delivery? Lead a romcom? Rock a fucking poncho?
Put her in all of the things.
Who Needs To Go: Jonah Hill
This one I feel a little bad about, because Jonah Hill doesn’t necessarily seem like a giant asshole. He just seems wildly overrated. His entire thing is that he’s awkward and weird and sort of an annoying dick about it. I’m not sure how that won people over for so long, because he’s definitely out-kicked his coverage on that one. “Two time Oscar nominee Jonah Hill” is a thing we all have to live with now.
To Be Replaced With: Judy Greer
Again with the best friend roles. Why is Judy Greer always being relegated to playing second fiddle? Or why not at least make that second fiddle the fun wacky kind instead of the buzzkill aunt kind? Think about how awesome Wolf of Wall Street would have been if Leo had been hanging out with a real life Cheryl Tunt? Are you imagining it? Sploosh.
Who Needs To Go: Miles Teller
That’s his face. That’s a face that he makes and is. It’s just him.
To Be Replaced With: Michael B. Jordan
This one is actually pretty simple because Jordan and Teller have already been in a couple of movie together. They appeal to the same demographic, and can take on romcoms or action. So just swap them. Every time you start to think about making Miles Teller the lead in your movie, put Michael B Jordan in the lead instead. Your movie just got better, didn’t it? Yeah, it did.
Who Needs To Go: Jeremy Renner
Sorry, JR. My weird attraction to you notwithstanding, you do have to go. Because of the weird slut-shaming remarks and the gross child support withholding thing and just the fact that, in general, you only seem charming when you’re playing a fairly-generic-good-guy on a team of fairly-generic-good-guys. If any nondescript blonde, ripped guy can fill your role, we might as well have one who doesn’t give us the creepers.
To Be Replaced With: Jamie Bell
Yes, I’m being selfish on this. If I have to give up one of the few blondes I’m attracted to, I want another rare blonde to take his place. Plus, we already know he can play a great sidekick to Captain America.
Who Needs To Go: Robert De Niro*
Listen, sometimes this is for the actor’s own good. De Niro might be the greatest actor of all time. And he’s spent the last ten years phoning it in, and hating every goddamn minute of it. The last time he seemed to enjoy a role was Stardust, and that was horrible. We made him do Limitless. Limitless! We should be ashamed of ourselves.
To Be Replaced With: Viola Davis
She makes How To Get Away With Murder mandatory viewing. I’m not sure what else can be said. She makes a show called How To Get Away With Murder not just bearable to watch, but actually required viewing. I swear to all of you, if you put her in Dirty Grandpa instead, it would have won best picture.
*I reserve the right, after viewing The Wizard of Lies, to replace Robert De Niro with Christopher Walken for all of the same reasons.
Who Needs To Go: Adam Sandler
I will give $13,000 to the first person who can give me one justifiable reason why Sandler should have a career at this point.
To Be Replaced With: America Ferrera
Why is this woman languishing in NBC sitcom-ville? Have we forgotten about how she too is a master of awkward physical comedy? Or that she can carry a show as lackluster as Superstore even though the material is beneath her? What about the fact that if you want to have risque comedic material about race and culture, maybe you should allow someone to make jokes on behalf of people of color instead of at the expense of them? Adam? Give her a Netflix empire. We’ll watch.
Who Needs To Go: Both Afflecks and A Damon
Whoo, boy. Where to start. The repeated accusations of sexual harassment, cheating with the nanny, justification for whitewashing, justification for gay invisibility promotion, general douchbaggery, full back tattoo of a fucking phoenix, advancing the career of a man who had multiple accusations of sexual harassment, and, oh right, the repeated sexual harassment of two women over a period of months? But I guess you always gotta watch out for your bros?
To Be Replaced With: John Cho
Oh, you’re worried he can’t be a leading man because you’re not sure of his dramatic chops? You know the best way to test that? Make him the lead in a goddamn drama. Who knows? He very well could be winning an Oscar by this time next year if we try it. And then Brie Larson can start enjoying awards season again.