Not every movie can get everything right. Even really good movies have a couple of unremarkable scenes. But sometimes the scene is so remarkable in such a bad way it almost ruins the otherwise totally enjoyable movie. Brace yourself for some serious moments of WTF?
1.) The Kingsman
Look, I said enjoyable movies, not “great” ones. And this also might be kind of a cheat as I haven’t actually seen the movie the whole way through. But I have seen/ learned enough of the movie to know there’s some serious what-the-fuckness brewing. Allow me to reenact the conversation I had while watching a few scenes of the movie with a person who had seen it all the way through.
Me - Who’s that?
Him - That’s Merlin. He’s the second in charge.
Me - And secretly a bad guy?
Him - No, Samuel L. Jackson is the bad guy.
Me - What? Him?
Him - Yep.
Me - So then who’s the good guy? This kid?
Me - How come he gets to be the good guy?
Him - His dad was a Kingsman and he saved Colin Firth’s life. So Colin Firth wanted to bring him in.
Me - So how is Samuel L. Jackson a bad guy?
Him - Because he wants to end global warming.
Me - …
Him - And that’s his henchman.
Me - So the secretly old- moneyed white kid gets to become a good guy because of nepotism, and the self- made minority billionaire who wants to end global warming and employs a handicapped woman of color is the bad guy?
Him - Yep.
Me - Is this a satire?
Him - Nope.
Me - Maybe let’s go back to Fallout 4 then.
2.) Trading Places
Let me ask you something guys. If you and your newly acquired partner in crime had just pulled off a massively elaborate con whereby you both got rich while putting a couple of assholes in the poorhouse, how would you celebrate? Did you say put on sweaters and head to the beach? Because then you’re right on the same page as Louis and Billy Ray in Trading Places.
Is it because sand isn’t itchy enough so you have to have a sweater too? Or did Billy Ray only want the cool ocean breeze on his balls and not on his pecs? Are sweaters somehow the sign of fanciness? Is this a thing wealthy people do? Does it show up the poor people somehow?
Rich people, man.
3.) Back To The Future
Hey, Doc Brown?
That is not the face of an inventor who was 100% confident that his invention would work successfully. So maybe, since this is the first time in your entire life you’ve gotten something to work, you shouldn’t put your dog in the front seat and then hurl your invention straight towards yourself and your only Earthly friend at 88mph.
4.) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory might be better suited for a list called “Perfectly Enjoyable Movies, But Seriously What The Fuck Is Going On With This Acid Trip Of Film?” There’s a lot of fucked up things. Other than the rampant child murder (including premeditate child murder (“Um, Mr. Wonka, there will be 10 guests on this trip. Shouldn’t we use the large boat?” “No, no. The 8 seater will be just fine.” “But Mr. Wonka-” “8 will be fine.”)), there’s the whole elaborate test to find a worthy heir for the chocolate factory instead of just interviewing people like a normal goddamn job.
But I need to talk about one fucked up bit in particular: Grandpa Joe. Grandpa Fucking Joe. What is your deal, GJ? I know I’m not the first to bring it up, but what kind of shitty con were you trying to pull on your own goddamn daughter? You stayed in bed for how many years? While one woman supported four adults and one child by washing laundry? And then the second, the second, you get a chance at some sweet, sweet candy you’re up and around like Walksy McMovesalot?
I know it’s weird to wish ill upon a fictional characters, but I hope you get diabetes from all of the chocolate and have your foot amputated. You bastard.
5.) Winnie The Pooh
What. The. Fuck.