I am sticking only to the Christmas movies that I have personally seen, or else this list would be full of those movies I merely gave side-eye or a fart in their general direction. That would be a bastard of a list, kids.
1. The Polar Express
This Steven Spielberg motion-capture abomination of uncanny valley has only one redeeming quality: the song about hot chocolate. The rest of it can take its multi-Tom Hanks-performed, dead-eyed terrors and ride a dickwagon to the moon.
I hate listening to little kids singing and there is tons of that. I hate emotions and there are tons of those. I also hate listening to Steven Tyler screech while pretending to be an elf, which is also in this movie.
I know what you’re going to say and, A — shut up, and B — shut up.
2. Home Alone and Home Alone 2
This counts as one movie because they are the same movie with different locations.
My kid has never seen this movie that the pair of us can recall. I gave her a brief synopsis and she replied, “They didn’t even leave a butler in charge, even though they’re rich? Uh, someone should maybe call children’s services.” She’s 12 and fucking nailed it. Except the butler thing is kind of out of left field, I suppose. The point still stands!
Asshole kid is an asshole surrounded by other assholes in the family, causing his parents to yell at him. Then they all wake up late and leave asshole kid — wait for it — all by himself in their house. Burglars decide to break in and kid decides to set fatal traps to deter and maim and FUCKING MURDER said burglars.
I loved the movie when I was young, because I was an idiot. Watching it now is pure pain and rage. How do you leave your small Macaulay Caulkin at home and remember to take that turd Buzz with you? HOW DO YOU FORGET YOUR KID AT HOME.
3. The Santa Clause and all subsequent sequel abominations.
This movie starts with negligent behavior resulting in a death. The death of Santa Claus. IN A MOVIE. FOR KIDS.
Of course, the Tim Allen character is a divorced dad with a kid that maybe doesn’t believe in Christmas magic anymore. Why wouldn’t he straight kill the jolly old elf and unwittingly inherit his identity? HAPPY HOLIDAYS, KIDS. MAYBE YOUR DADDY CAN KNOCK OFF OL’ ST. NICK AND USURP HIS POSITION TOO! THEN HE CAN SPEND THREE MOVIES BEING A HORSE’S ASS AND MARRYING JULIET FROM LOST.
4. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Yes, yes. We all know this is a shitty movie, but it is so very shitty that I cannot tolerate it with MST3K or Rifftrax obliterating it verbally. It’s so shitty that my best friend asked if we were doing Rifftrax again for Christmas and when I told him it was Santa Claus Conquers the Martians again, he got PISSED. We skipped it.
This movie has child kidnapping across state and galactic lines, attempted murder via airlock, dumb shit sidekick that should probably not be within 30 yards of a school, and a cheap future envisioned by the dullest cinematic minds of the 60s.
5. While You Were Sleeping
Poor, lonely, movie-homely Sandra Bullock, working in the ticket booth. If only dreamy Peter Gallagher would take her away from her frumpy existence. WAIT! Head injury? THIS IS HER TICKET IN THE DOOR.
I hate romantic comedy as a rule, but I really hate this movie set during the holidays. It does have all of the hallmarks of a traditional Christmas, though: hospital visits, lying, head injuries, and falling in love with your fake fiancé’s brother.
The whole thing is twee, ridiculous, and I hate it. It makes my cold, dead heart even colder and deader, but with Christmas lights around it. Wait — Nope, that’s barbed wire with glitter on it.