Celebrity is a funny thing, and we here at Pajiba recognize and acknowledge its paradoxical nature: we know it’s a misshapen outgrowth of capitalism, disproportionately rewarding those whose labour could be seen as relatively trivial; we know that getting invested in celebrities’ lives is an unhealthy narrative tentpole in our lives; we know there is no real basis for some of our assumptions about and assessments of celebrity characters, other than the carefully stage-managed careers and theatrically concocted ‘candid’ off-screen moments that their agents and managers deem to bless us with — that any familiarity and intimacy is purely a creation in partnership between our minds and a monolithic publicity machine, but despite past revelations of awful, aberrant, or otherwise abhorrent behaviour from former heroes, we still choose to naively and irrationally believe in the new ones.
You just know that some of those actors are perfectly nice.
Let’s hope we never see any heinous and horrible skeletons emerging from these lovely closets to shatter that illusion eh? That would hurt way too much.
You hear us, guys?
IF WE EVER FIND OUT ANY OF YOU DID ANYTHING BAD THEN THERE’LL BE HELL TO PAY, DAMMIT!
‘No! Put the photo album away, Oscar! We don’t want to know!’
‘No, no, no way; no thank you, no, we don’t wanna hear that story, Mr. ex-boyfriend!’
‘Burn that damming evidence, Mr. Investigative Reporter! The world doesn’t need to know!’
‘La la la la la la, we’re not listeningggggg!’
‘What’s that? What have you uncovered?’ *runs away screaming with hands over ears*
‘WHO TOLD YOU TO GO SNOOPING AROUND FOR THIS INFORMATION?!’
‘Well, I’m sure it was just the one time thing. I mean, it doesn’t sound like something Emma would ever do!’
‘Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!’
‘Well now you’re just making shit up. You must mean the other Joseph Gordon-Levitt.’