The Winter Olympics start tonight, with the Opening Ceremony tomorrow, not that you’re going to watch. Except for the #nbcfails. We have a couple of suggestions for making the games more exciting, though: here are some games of brawn and sometimes brain, but not too much, that the Olympic Committee really should squeeze in.
1. Baskiceball from How I Met Your Mother
The marriage of basketball and ice hockey makes perfect sense for the Eriksen men. And hey, they have to work off that seven-layer salad somehow. Just remember to never call it Iceketball.
Who would probably win: Marshall, because no one ever suspects the runt of the family.
2. Blernsball from Futurama
A mega-upgraded version of baseball in the future, there are slight variations of the game. An elastic line secures the baseball to the field, home runs are made when the ball goes through a hole in a billboard, and it’s mass chaos during multiball time.
Who would probably win: Bender, because doesn’t he always win?
3. Chardee MacDennis from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
The brilliantly crazy three-level game where the stakes are high, and the chances of everyone storming off in a drunken rage are even higher. Level Two is where the gang’s strength is tested, by chugging a drink for as long as it takes for the other team to count ever-so-slowly to five seconds, playing chicken with darts, and the grape gobble, which is exactly what it sounds like.
Who would probably win: Charlie, because, wildcard, bitches.
4. Fireball from Friends
Don oven gloves, set tennis ball on fire, and try to throw the inflamed ball in a bowl. Good safe game, right? For tiebreakers, upgrade the tennis ball with a bowling ball, and whip out the torch for Ultimate Fireball.
Who would probably win: Chandler, because Joey would be distracted by the fire.
5. Flonkerton from The Office
The Dunder Mifflin gang took it upon themselves to create their own Olympics. One of the games, Flonkerton, loosely translates to Box of Paper Snowshoe Racing or Icelandic Paper Box Snowshoeing. Racers run to the finish line with paper boxes strapped to their feet. Plus, cheap medals!
Who would probably win: Kevin, because he’s a pro at walking in and out of boxes (see: Pam and Jim’s wedding).
6. Hot Lava from Community
The rules are basic: Stay on furniture and don’t touch the floor, or you’ll melt to death from (imaginary) lava. The stakes? The loss of your best friend to his rapping career.
Who would probably win: Abed, because now he has nothing to lose.
7. Jiggly Ball from Scrubs
A game based on fear of missing out than anything else, the Janitor convinces everyone else to talk about Jiggly Ball, except for J.D. When he pretends to know what the game is, he’s the sitting duck as everyone throws tennis balls at him. And that’s why you don’t lie, kids.
Who would probably win: Everyone except J.D.
8. Spaceball from Firefly
The Serenity crew plays a bizarre version of basketball that I assume is called Spaceball based on the music, the involvement of a ball and a vertical hoop, and the riding on a teammate’s shoulders, like Kaylee did.
Who would probably win: River, because of her powers.
(I know it’s not necessarily a sitcom, but Wash + dinosaur toys = funny.)
9. Tetherball from 30 Rock
Shockingly, the real game of tetherball isn’t in the Olympics, but it should be. The simple act of hitting a ball tied to a pole back and forth isn’t the most challenging of sports, but let’s make Jack Donaghy’s dream a reality, for ratings’ sake.
Who would probably win: Kenneth, because he’s the only one who shows up.
10. True American, from The New Girl
As any true American knows, alcohol is the key to anything fun and worthwhile. The rules are intense, but to sum up: lots of beer and liquor, no touching the floor, and AMERICA.
Who would probably win: Nick Miller, because he is nothing but booze.