Hold on, before you get pissed, this isn’t a post bashing the Bernie Bros (although those assholes deserve all of the criticism they get). And it’s not one telling Bernie supporters to “snap out of it” or “live in the real world.” This is a hopefully helpful message inspired by Queen of Late Night Samantha Bee. Let’s go to the tape.
First, God bless Samantha Bee for her version of a “Bernie Bro.” Second, even the annoying people in that video are somehow endearing. “If you’re feeling bad, we can give you a hug.” Really? “As long as you didn’t say ‘Communist Orgasm,’ that’s fine by me.” Well played. I’ve gone on record as being not a fan of hippies, and I would totally hang out with all of these people.
But I do have a an issue with my fellow Bernie supporters. A big issue. Because, kids? We’re Socialists. It’s OK to say it out loud. The guy we’re supporting says it out loud all the time. He’s been saying it out loud in Congress for 26 years. It’s OK to admit. And I think it would explain a lot of the animosity between Hillary supporters and Bernie ones. The reason there seems to be so much infighting is because our differing political ideals mean we don’t really belong to the same party. Which is OK, too. The fact that the two-party system is a shockingly terrible bit of fuckery doesn’t negate the political spectrum.
What’s not OK is to pretend that “our” values are representative of the larger Democratic Party. That’s not really the case. You can’t call Hillary the “Establishment Candidate,” and then pretend that the majority of that established party secretly agrees with you. That’s not how this works.
And if we’re going to tout our candidate as the “Outsider,” let’s go ahead and be outsiders. Why do I support Bernie Sanders? Because I’m a Socialist. Why am I a Socialist? Because I believe the government’s role is to protect citizens from inequality, and that government can be a tool for good. Why do I believe that? Because I know Europe exists.
Ultimately, and this is incredibly important to remember, our differences are still significantly smaller than our differences with real assholes. Hillary isn’t the anti-Christ, and Bernie isn’t your demented Grandfather who will accidentally drive us all off a cliff. They’re both qualified, well-respected politicians who are trying to do what they believe is best for the country. And, for fuck sake, at least neither one is this asshole.