This year is already a waking Ambien nightmare, so of course American Horror Story is going to be about the 2016 election next season. Of course it is. We were living in an AHS season the whole time and we didn’t even know. That makes so much sense.
Obviously details are still vague, since showrunner Ryan Murphy only announced this news last night; we definitely don’t know how explicitly the show will get into the real-life proceedings of the election, a la American Crime Story. (All Murphy confirmed is that “*a* Trump” character will “maybe” appear, whatever that means.) But that doesn’t mean we can’t speculate wildly about which of the usual Murphy suspects could play which living person who currently haunts our dreams. Here are my picks, as aided by the rest of the Pajiba overlords:
Kathy Bates as Donald Trump
Francis Conroy as Hillary Clinton
You thought Paulson would be the obvious choice? Just you wait. *low cackle*
Sterling K. Brown as Obama
Brown looks nothing like Obama, true, but it’s not like Cuba (who’d make a great Ben Carson, if there’s time) looked anything like OJ and they made that work. And Sterling is so smart and cool and I want to listen to him talk forever, just like Obama!
Angela Bassett as Michelle Obama
Remember that one time they wore the same outfit? I’m just saying.
Evan Peters as Jared Kushner
Provided Michael Cera isn’t busy, because I bet he’d be a great Jared too.
Lily Rabe as Ivanka Trump
I’m fairly certain these two already go to the same hairstylist. I will also accept Emma Roberts because, you know, blond.
Jessica Lange as Kellyanne Conway
It will be a dramatic triumph.
Jed Rees for Tim Kaine
Reese has never actually been in an episode of American Horror Story, but like… look at him, though.
Dennis O’Hare as Mike Pence
Going from Liz Taylor to this guy would be a pretty fascinating juxtaposition, if I do say so myself.
David Schwimmer as Reince Priebus
Granted, Schwimmer is a full two feet taller than Reince and looks nothing like him, but if Amerian Crime Story taught us anything, it’s that he’s very good at the slow “Oh god what have I done, this man I’ve associated myself with might be a monster” reveal.
Wes Bentley as an incredibly dapper neo-nazi who gets interviewed by everyone in the press right after the election
Bonus points if he gets punched in the face.
Matt Bomer as Paul Ryan
There wouldn’t be a reason for it, but if they don’t recreate Paul Ryan’s workout photos with Bomer I will be extremely put out.
Leslie Jordan for Bernie Sanders
The Addiction Demon as Steve Bannon
Sometimes people are too afraid to grab the low-hanging fruit. Good people of Pajiba, I promise you will never have to worry about that from me.
And finally, Sarah Paulson as Jill Stein
THAT’S RIGHT. THAT’S RIGHT. GAZE UPON MY WORKS, YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR.