When we last left the Virginia 7th, Dan Helmer had just released an, um, “ad” that left all of us sad, confused, and with no real idea of who he is - other than, of course, VETERAN, which we know thanks to his shirt, and that his superpower is TERRIBLE SINGING, so strong and off-key that sitting congresswomen will flee his siren’s call!
But you guys, turns out they were in on the joke all along! You know how we know? Because they released another ad:
Let’s break this shit down.
0:02 - Oh, it’s “Part 2”! That means that the first one was always just to grab our attention! This is where he actually tells us all the real stuff! That stock iMovie 3D title definitely matches the previous title card Brennan the graphics intern spent a week making.
(Specifically, it took five days to convince him to watch Top Gun, which he was thoroughly uninterested in because it was “made way before he was born”, and then the weekend to do the graphic.)
0:08 - “Not a Great Singer”! Look at how self-aware and honest Team Helmer is! And look at how fun that inserted cursive “great” is with the arrow pointing directly into his ear! Pay attention to that and not the stock font we’re using for the rest of the ad without even a drop shadow!
(Sub-question: is the arrow pointing directly at his ear because they’re trying to really hammer home the point that he’s tone deaf? Kind of a hat on a hat, if you ask me, Brennan the graphics intern.)
0:15 - Business Strategist? That’s honestly the third-best thing you can give me? Look, I don’t wanna tell you how to do your job, Team Helmer, but traditionally, if you’re gonna give me an itemized list of credentials, you want to grab my attention and then build.
So let’s see if Team Helmer has been successful here:
ITEM 1: Iraq & Afghanistan Veteran. Great! I wasn’t sure if he was wearing that VETERAN t-shirt ironically, but I’m glad to know he’s the real deal.
ITEM 2: Rhodes Scholar. Awesome! I’ve heard of that. That’s for smart people, right? I like it when smart people want to go into public service.
ITEM 3: Business Strategist. Wait, what?
ITEM 4: Family Man. Oh good, it’s great that we can end on family man, people want their representatives to have adorable families that make us feel like they’re good, decent people. But hey, do you mind if we maybe go back to item three?
ITEM 3: BUSINESS STRATEGIST.
What the hell does that even mean? Does it mean he’s strategized for his own business? Or for other businesses? Is he a consultant? Did he just sit in that bar and tell one of his friends “Hey, you know what would be a good idea for a business?” BECAUSE IF SO THEN I TOO AM A BUSINESS STRATEGIST.
I CAN’T EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR ADORABLE SHUTTERSTOCK FAMILY NOW HELMER BECAUSE I’M TOO BUSY WONDERING WHAT THE HELL YOU MEANT BY ITEM THREE.
You’re besmirching the good Dan name.
0:20 - Wait, if he wins, he promises to STOP singing? You know what, I’m back on board. Helmer for Congress!
(Also, Brennan, don’t think I didn’t notice that the arrow is now pointing to Dan’s head and not his ear, which means your last graphic WAS intentional.)
0:23 - What fresh ideas? The fresh ideas you came up with as a “Business Strategist”? You’ve told us nothing about your fresh ideas to this point! If you had stopped at “Vote for me and I’ll stop singing”, you would’ve won in a landslide! YOU SHOULD HAVE QUIT WHILE YOU WERE AHEAD!
0:26 - What the hell is going on up here?
I know that was in the original ad too, but I didn’t notice it until now. Seriously, what’s going on with that Virginia silhouette? Did someone use the wrong transparency settings when they rendered the graphic?
Haha, see? You guys, see? Dan Helmer is cool! He’s in on the joke! And as a matter of fact, that first ad was bad ON PURPOSE! Because now we’re all talking about him and he dropped the REAL ad!
Nope, still not buying it.