Rumor has it that the Republicans could choose to replace their current party nominee for President. I think his name is Pimiento Von Spreadington? Anyway, I’m all about helping people out, so I have gathered a quite extensive list of possible replacements. I think you will agree they have all of the qualifications. Apparently.
1. Jack Nicholson
In Mars Attacks!, Nicholson played President James Dale and dealt with an invasion of aliens! Since the Republican platform seems to revolve around fighting murderous aliens, I think Jack Nicholson could be our President.
He has lots of money too. And Academy Awards. So.
2. Morgan Freeman
As President Beck in Deep Impact, Freeman faced down a monumental disaster primed to take out all of civilization. Just like those goddamned natural parks and stuff that the Republicans need to destroy before they destroy us!
Have you seen this guy’s hands? They’re not tiny.
3. George Clooney
It’s tough to be President when you have Spy Kids 3-D to boss around. But you know what? Clooney was able to do it. When the chips are down and you’re trying to eat KFC with utensils, you need to know that your President can boss around little kids and put them in terrifying situations that might end in death.
He played a doctor on television, so he can get rid of this whole Obamacare nightmare, amirite?
4. Michael Keaton
Sometimes women are just doing whatever they do and a man has to rein them in. Keaton played President Mackenzie in First Daughter and had to deal with a daughter who was at college while he was up for re-election. I didn’t watch it, but I’m sure there were lots of hugs and close talks between the President and his daughter, so trust me when I say this would be a solid pick.
That Katie Holmes has a nice little body, like daughters should.
5. The Plastic Baby From American Sniper
No explanation necessary.