Last week I bitched and moaned about having to first world my way out to Montana and sit on top of a goddamn horse for a week and push dumb-ass cows from one place to another. So how did it go?
Yeaaaah…it was amazing. Nearly life alteringly good. Perfect weather. The nicest people I’ve ever met in my life (after the indigenous Ni-Van of Vanuatu), and strangely just what the doctor ordered. We laughed for six days straight. We drank beer and wine and whiskey and moonshine and bourbon. We visited local restaurants and bars. We played cards and listened to music.
We watched the local high school football team win on homecoming weekend under Friday night lights and yes, we moved dumb-ass cows from one place to another under that big, beautiful Montana sky.
They actually weren’t as dumb as I’m suggesting. They basically knew where to go, we just rode behind them and yelled ‘yah.’ In short, our involvement was essential.
Here’s the gang looking out over a lake toward Canada.
I cannot recommend it enough. Never thought I’d say that in a million years. Get thee to Montana.
But we’re supposed to be talking about football, and frankly, they don’t really identify with an NFL team in Montana. (click to enlarge)
But I identify with all of them in one way or another, especially when people are behaving.
NFL just finished a calendar month without any player arrests reported. That hadn't happened in more than 6 years.— Mike Rosenberg (@RosenbergMerc) October 1, 2015
Ho! That’s because you can’t go clubbin’ with a torn ACL.
Carnage, people. This season is pure, unadulterated carnage. This season is The Amityville Horror on grass. And we’re not that far away from Human Centipede-ing a few quarterbacks together.
“Let’s see, we’ll take Drew Brees’ good shoulder and Andrew Luck’s good shoulder. Great. We need some hands…not Peyton’s because he can’t feel them. Let’s use Geno Smiths…it’s not like he needs them. Throw Ryan Mallet’s ostrich neck on top of Josh McCown’s torso and shitcan his head because it’s broke. We need a head. Hmm. God, horrible options. We could use Jay Cutler’s but we’re building a masterpiece and we don’t want the cherry on top to be this:
I guess we use Big Ben’s. It’s not going to be pretty but we can spackle the shit out of that Germanic boar’s head and no one will notice. Finally, Michael Vick’s legs. Technically he’s not hurt but he can still run, even though he can’t pick up a 4th down (and shouldn’t be asked to…).
If you’re a fan of the American Football, chances are you’re biting a dish rag and stomping your feet waiting for your team to get healthy. Even some of the marquis franchises who have opened hot are reeling, like the Green Bay Packers. At the rate their cart is hauling bodies of the field of battle, they’re going to need a new set of tires before Thanksgiving. Then again, as long as this particular body is healthy, they’re going to be juuuuuuuust fine.
In other, super important news, Forty-Niners Head Coach Jim Tomsula blew some ass during a press conference.
Ahhhhh. I love the smell of Tomsula in the morning. It smells like…pick sixes. You would think that by the close of week three I would have ample evidence of the ineptitude of the Niners coaching staff and dial my adoration back a bit.
But, I’m stubborn. And if you tell me that the road to victory is paved in emotionless queefs from Jim Tomsula then I say, BRING THE WINDS! I say we get Tomsula and Sparano and Mangini and have them do the Laverne and Shirley intro and blow ass in unison to the theme song! I say we put them in spandex unitards and have them do fart squats on national TV! I bellow to the heavens: BRING THE FUCKING WINDS! Because if those winds can slow down enemy offenses enough for Carlos Hyde to get more than three touches a game, every little thing is gonna be alright.
Bob Marley! Holy shit! Did you see how I worked your lyric in there at the end of my flatulation soliloquy?
I was actually trying to build to a crescendo. I was going to try to use the winds allegory to summon the greatest windbag of them all to this article. A man known as Sir Winston Churchill. You may have heard of him.
Actually, he’s kind of a prick. But while I have you here I want you to know that you’re a fucking brilliant genius and I never get musicians to drop by so it’s like a huge honor. I usually get these historical figures. “Statesmen”, y’know? People who are like “oh look at me! I won World War II so nobody talk about what a fucking disaster I made at Gallipoli!” Y’know? It’s like, yeah, um Seth Rogen would have made a better First Lord of the Admiralty, amirite? I mean come on! Right?
What the? No! Pfffffffff. Pshhhhh. I mean, child please! Ha ha. Remember when that was a thing? Ochicinco? Child please? NSFW Language in Video
Thanks, Bob Marley. You’re the best. Seriously.
You’re 100% right. God I want to hear Buffalo Soldier right now. But more on Rex Ryan later.
Right now I’m just going to run through a quick NFL week three bullet list, so fans of shit-sucking NFL franchises can also get some coverage.
Cowboys: Christine Michael got first team reps in practice. That’s like saying “there is, in fact, a fantasy Jesus in play this year.”
Eagles: Suck my Balls, Iggles haters! Philly is on a fucking roll! Chip Kelly visits former players who called him a racist in their dreams like Dreamscape and karate chops their hammys until they go on short term IR. Chip Kelly is vindication incarnate! Chip Kelly is the truth! Anyone who thinks any differently obliviously hasn’t studied this photograph enough:
Take a long, hard look at that and understand that Chip Kelly is not a fucking asshole. You are a fucking asshole. For not liking Chip Kelly. Obviously it’s too early to anoint this Eagles team “the best team in history” but I will go on record as saying they’ll fall just short of that.
Washington Racists: Jordan Reed has some thunder thighs. That’s what I think. He has these fucking monster legs. If he and Serena Williams had kids we would build a better race of people who could jump forty feet in the air and would re-energize the parachute pants industry overnight.
New York Confused Eli Faces: When I think of this defense I think of trying to carry water in a paper bag. I don’t think Tom Coughlin gets mad enough anymore. In the Super Bowl years he would turn crimson during every game and I would watch the veins in his neck, just waiting for one of them to Joe Theismann all over the place. He’s not mad enough.
TV SHOW IDEA: Unfairly disgraced former cops and now buddy criminal duo Tom Coughlin and Chip Kelly blow through the South West wearing panty hose masks and robbing gas stations across New Mexico and Arizona. Mostly it’s just the two of them sitting in a ‘83 Buick Skylark and arguing about whose turn it is to rob.
Sometimes, Andy Reid will pop in for big jobs and to spend some time kissing Tom Coughlin.
Mmmmm. It’s not kissing until you can taste the Bacos in that mustache.
You guys will have to help me come up with a title.
Bears: Fire Sale? More like Mire Fail! I got nothin. This team fucking blooooowwwwws.
Vikings: That Mike Zimmer defense is starting to swarm, but I’m still not over how useless Cordarrelle Patterson turned out to be.
Packers: The ghost of JerkMichael Finley is haunting this team. The only thing likely to stop them from winning a Super Bowl is that they’ll have six players active by February.
Lions: Joe Lombardi works for Green Bay. That’s all I can figure out. He’s a plant. Because Ameer Abdullah has rocket feet and can bounce laterally like a spooked dik dik in the wild. Theo Riddick is the Lance Dunbar of the North. Zack Zenner is a battering ram whose nickname could be Z- squared. Even Joe Buck couldn’t fuck that nickname up. What happened to the Matthew Stafford we were promised? Golden Tate? MEGATRON. Ebron. How is this team not scoring 2.4 million points per game? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! JIM CALDWELL YOU ARE THE WORST. YOU ARE NOT A COACH! YOU’RE SLEEPYTIME MUSIC FOR LONG HAUL TRUCKERS. YOU HAVE THE INVENTIVENESS OF A POTATO ON A WHITE PAPER NAPKIN. PLEASE WATCH A VIDEO OF CHIP KELLY AND/OR STUDY THIS PHOTO:
Falcons: Julio is amazing, but Julio takes a Monitor vs. Merrimac broadside hit every time he touches the ball. He’s not gonna make it.
Aints: The Patriots are on the EFF YOU tour. The Aints are on the EFF ME tour.
Bucs: Vincent Jackson: 4 targets. Mike Evans: 17 targets. Um…pick favorites much, Jameis? Incidentally, you know who’s not good? The Bucs.
The Cam Newtons: The Panthers have seven TDs on the season and they all came from Cam throwing it or running it. How is this team winning? How can Cam put the team on his back like this? Ted Ginn Jr’s own mother doesn’t start him on her fantasy team, and he’s the de facto #1 in Carolina. What is happening?
Cards: They’re a lock to win even the World Series this year. I just can’t reel myself back when there’s a good story involved, and the Cards are a good story. They have thirteen more games on the season so I say they win sixty three games. See? I can’t help it. It’s too good a story.
Fartmeisters: Fart Forecast: Mild to partially farty in the morning. Expect the farting to increase when Aaaron Rodgers lands in San Francisco. Chance of Fartstorms: 100%
Seahacks: The Jimmy Graham Era has begun! Aaaaand the Jimmy Graham Era is over. Please don’t hurt my boy Ameer this week, Kam Chancellor. He’s a gentle soul.
Rams: The only thing getting rammed is Jeff Fisher’s perpetual mediocrity, right up the asses of the St. Louis faithful. Todd Gurley is fantasy Jesus #2.
Broncos: Defense wins championships. They look better with Peyton out of the shotgun. Still not really on board. Something feels wonky and I don’t mean the alien life form that was planted in Peyton’s fused neckbones to allow him to drop to the earth for free sacks faster than any other QB in history. You get a drop sack! And you get a drop sack!
Chiefs: Alex Smith is so dynamic! HAHAHAHAHA Well, they got off the wide receiver schneid. Maybe they can shock the Bengals. Why do these games feel so boring? Because it felt over 8 minutes into it?
Raidens: Carr. Cooper. Murray. Sign me the fuck up! The Raiders are fun to watch again and can actually play real, actual football!
Chargers: This team lacks an identity. I suggest this one:
Yeah, that’ll fix it. Good.
Texans: Arian Foster is back? Maybe? Fantasy Jesus #3. You blew your goddamn shot, J.J. Watt! And these girls seem so goddamn gen-u-ine!
Jaguars: They could topple the “mighty” Colts this weekend if Andrew Luck is out.
Titans: Mariota just gives me hope for young people. He’s what Tim Tebow wishes he had the arm and head to be. I still feel like this team is a total crapfest, but they have a QB to build around, and that’s something no Jay Cutler team has ever said.
Colts: The Andre Johnson signing was a flat out error. Andrew Luck is my fantasy quarterback and I’ve been really psyched that in my main league he almost has as many points as Kirk Cousins. Almost! And then last week when he threw that last touchdown to win the game they never should have been close to losing, Matt Hasselbeck came up to him on the sidelines and just patted him on the chest to say congrats and Luck winced and I was like “holy shit he’s hurt.” So when everyone else found out that he was hurt on Wednesday I was like “yeah, I know.” I just wanted everyone to know what an ahead-of-the-crowd smartypants I am and to applaud accordingly. Send edible arrangements, email me scantily clad images of your moms, whatever. As long as I get credit and you tell everyone what a rare and beautiful flower I am.
Ravens: Well the fact that we had a Thursday night game corrupts the shit out of this article, but let me say that Justin Tucker is to last minute nailbiters what Justin Timberlake is to Jimmy Fallon drop-bys. They both seem to work magnificently every time. The Ravens suck this year, though. Only by the grace of one seated Roethlisberger did they even have a prayer of winning that game.
Steelers: Mike Vick can’t read a defense. Never has. He just relies on his insane other-worldly talent every play. But that’s waning. People want to only blame Josh Scobee but the truth is that Josh Scobee once saved a family of four from a burning van. I made that up. Just leave Josh Scobee alone, snoop dogg you meanie!
Bengals: Is it finally time to believe in the Red Rifle?
When I was writing the Carson Palmer article this was my favorite picture, but in the interest of “readflow” I pulled it out. It was mostly a commentary about how one should never put faith in a Mike Brown-owned, Marvin Lewis coached team. But really it’s just funny.
Browns: When Travis Benjamin is your #1 receiver, its smooooooth sailing. Every year, the goddamn Browns suck. Every year. Other teams have peaks and valleys but the Browns are one constant, miserable poo stain. It’s tough.
Pats: I barely follow this team, and by barely follow I mean that I hang out around the bathrooms in Foxboro and sniff the air near the team urinals to make sure the defensive line is getting enough protein. The rest of the league can despise Tom Brady, but I think we all can agree that he’d probably be a great snuggler.
Bills: Rex Ryan is just the worst. I love Rex but talking about how the Patriots were trying to humiliate them weeks later is such a window into his bwoken witto boy soul. Dude. You’re a fucking pro. Act like it. If you didn’t want to taste Bill Belichick’s BMs twice a year you should have switched divisions when you had the chance.
Dolphins: This may be the most disappointing team in the league. I want to like Joe Philbin because he comes across as the best social studies teacher you’ve ever had, but man is he a limp turd on the sideline. That team is underperforming on every level. It’s brutal to watch. Suh hasn’t made a difference. Kenny Stills is a non factor. Tannehill can’t throw deep. Lamar Miller isn’t being used right. It’s a pisswagon in Miami, or….London.
Jets: This is the most important blurb because the Jets had the biggest news of the week.
That’s right. Now when we travel to the UK, we have to bring our own wipes, because the protohumans around Wembley still seem to use USSR-era cardboard sheets and poison ivy leaves to dab their brown-eyes.
Oh Britain! You hub of imbeciles! No wonder everyone on the Tube kind of stands like their asshole has had a floor tread pulled across it! Here’s a photograph of English Toilet Paper:
What a bunch of-
Well well well. If it isn’t the Hero of Gallipoli. Can I offer you a few sheets of Charmin?
You doing okay?
It’s just that you haven’t, y’know, been around…
So, nothing? That’s your response?
Any comment on why your country uses tea doilies as sanitary devices? In America we like to keep that undercarriage bueno, capice? Can you speak for your stinky-arsed brethren?
NO. NO! HE’S OURS NOW. YOU HEAR ME? HE BELONGS TO US!
You’re right Bob Marley. You’re always right. Sorry, I just get really protective about John Oliver. So, Sir W, all kidding aside, what do you make of this Jets bringing their own toilet paper news?
Seriously? That’s what you make of it?
God that sounds like a compliment but it feels like a criticism.
Okay then. Wow. Well, that’s basically everything worth knowing in the NFL this week and a lot of stuff that no one should ever know. Tomorrow the first game in Londowntown starts at 6:30 am in California. Should be a long, long day of football. Get those divorce papers ready, friends!
My thanks to Bob Marley for dropping by and as always, Sir W, for his scintillating talking points.
Until next week, I bid you all good morrow, good eve, and good day.