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NFL Week 5 In Review, Plus Star Wars Monday, GIFageddon and The Hatewatch Revenge Game Of The Century

By Lord Castleton | NFL | October 17, 2015 |

By Lord Castleton | NFL | October 17, 2015 |

Fantasy Tease

That’s an amazing picture of Minnesota Vikings receiver Stefon Diggs. Those of you with fantasy teams might want to keep an eye on him. (Remember: Grab players early and wait for them to pop. If you’re not the patient type, I can’t help you.)

If you haven’t grabbed Christine Michael, now’s your last chance. You’d also be wise to keep an eye on the names David Cobb, Robert Turbin, Austin Seferian-Jenkins and in deep, deep leagues, Spencer Ware.

The Real Talk Section

Preach, Terry! Preach!

No GIFs Edition

On Monday, the Twitter accounts for Deadspin and SBNation were suspended after complaints of copyright infringement from third parties working for the NFL. Well, we can’t afford to have Pajiba’s Twitter spigot shitcanned, so I’ve done my best to highlight the best moments of the games without relying on protected NFL content.

Bengals vs Seahawks

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Bills vs Titans

The Bills prevailed in this one but it was only because of about six amazing plays by Tyrod Taylor, which seemed to happen in slo-mo and probably caused 93 year-old Titans defensive coordinator Dick Lebeau to lose a year off his life. The Titans seemed to be the better team, but that’s not saying much. This was a real stinkfest and made me wonder about the general lack of quality football I’m seeing a bunch of this season. Just really sloppy football, and I’m worried that when the elite-level tier of quarterbacks that have really propped up the quality of play for the last fifteen years or so retire (Peyton, Brady, Brees, Eli, Big Ben, for example) will there be enough quality coming in behind them?

The shit on display this week was rough. Even the Thursday night game, which featured an undefeated team, was kind of a damning indictment of the NFC. The Falcons looked sloppy as hell. Just undisciplined and sloppy and not elite at all. And one of the points I was going to bring up this week is that I think we’re officially out of excuses for Rex Ryan, but he won. And we’re officially out of excuses for Rob Ryan, but he won as well. And when I was just kind of daydreaming about a Ryan-brothers-free NFL in 2016, I felt like that was actually a good thing. But, alas. Winners don’t get fired, and those boys are ‘winners.’ Also, last note on this game: Dick Lebeau needs some Blink eye lubricant. I googled ‘why does Dick Lebeau blink so much’ and got nada, so I apologize in advance if there’s a medical condition I don’t know about, but if not? That’s the blinkiest motherfucker I’ve ever seen. Dude’s got dry-eye like a bauce.

Bears vs Chiefs

Jay Cutler has won two games in a row! HUZZAH! HUZZAH! I never thought I’d see the day, boy! It’s like Christmas! I mean, Jamaal Charles was the dilithium crystal that powered every Andy Reid wet dream, but hey, GO BEARS! Jay Cutler is so clutch! Playoffs here we come!

Eagles vs Saints

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Packers vs Rams

This was actually a hard fought game. It’s weird to see A-A-Ron Rodgers actually have to work to make plays because he has a knack for making everything he does look so effortless. That Jordy Nelson missing chess piece feels larger and larger every week. You have to hope Davante Adams can bring a spark to the offense when he finally heals up. That run game needs a boost as well, but Eddie Lacy can be a slow starter. As for the Rams? Well, again, Todd Gurley is a revelation. They’re a receiver and a tight end away from mattering. I’m glad Chris Long’s injury isn’t as bad as it looked. Chris Long is awesome. Loved his dad. Love him. Here’s his tweet about ESPN covering which players Michael Sam had/hadn’t shared a common shower with.

Stud. And he likes to poke fun.

A follow on Twitter you won’t regret.

Bucs vs Jags

There had to be an agreement before this game not to play any defense on either side. I thought Gus Bradley and Lovie Smith were defensive minded guys? This was some of the worst tackling in a game I’ve ever seen. Doug Martin looked like Jim Brown. Why can’t this idiot Jacksonville franchise take a goddamn step? When will they get it right? Blake Bortles has taken a step. The Allens have taken a step. Where’s the defense? Where’s your pride, man?

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Washington Racists vs Falcons

The Thursday night result doesn’t shock me at all because the Falcons should have lost to the Racists. I shouldn’t be shocked by how a certain play gets reported and then everyone else runs with that take. The take: Kirk Cousins messed up, throwing a pick six that ended the game in overtime. BULLSHIT. Kirk Cousins masterfully led a comeback and was driving when he threw a PERFECT TIMING PATTERN but his idiot receiver #14 Ryan Grant FELL DOWN and then the lucky-as-fuck Falcons corner got a gift. He was not a hero. He got a motherfucking gift because the dude fell down. If Cousins takes any of the blame it should be: why are you targeting anyone but Jamison Crowder. That dude is a waterbug on roller skates. Just feed him. Anyway, I wish I could show you the GIF, but we don’t want our shit to get pushed in by the thirty foot tall money-eating douchenozzles at the NFL league office. But here’s a clip of them deciding to turn off all GIFs in the world, even though they’re fair use items and it’s just positive advertising for their brand.


Browns vs Ravens

This game was so goddamn great. You have to beat a divisional foe in disarray and that’s just what the Browns managed to do. Now, I love me some Joe Flacco and it’s kind of unreal how he’s single handedly keeping this shitpile of broken players in games. He deserves to be talked about on every goddamn NFL podcast in the way they’re blowing Cam Newton (who also deserves it). There’s just not a whole lot to like about this Ravens team right now. It must be driving Ozzie Newsome nuts to see the product on the field. It’s just not good. Not good at all. And after the loss you started to hear John Harbaugh to USC! And I was kind of snickering in the corner and holding my nose. Of course Harbaugh was like I LOVE THE RAVENS I NEED TO PLEASE NOT BE FIRED IF YOU PLEASE I’M HAPPY HERE PLEASE STOP TRYING TO HAVE ME FIRED PEOPLE ARE LIKE DYING AND STEVE SMITH IS PRACTICING WITH 31 BROKEN RIBS AND ONE LUNG AND BASICALLY EVERYTHING WE SCHEMED ON OFFENSE AND DEFENSE SOMEHOW USED TSIZZLE. I CAN’T EXPLAIN IT. PLEASE STOP WITH THE STUFF ABOUT ME BEING A COLLEGE COACH BECAUSE I’M A PRO COACH AND I’D LIKE TO CONTINUE THAT.

As for them Brownies? Well, Mike Pettine is a great coach. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. But seriously folks, even the sun shines on a dogs ass some days. Josh McCown deserves a lot of credit for his recent resurgence. I like that they’re featuring Duke Johnson more. Joe Thomas is a beaut and deserves more in life.

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Cards vs Lions

The lack of talent I spoke of was no more obvious than in this game, where great coach Bruce Arians mopped the floor with the corpses of the Detroit Lions. How many weeks have I railed against Jim Caldwell in this space? I’m not saying Jim Caldwell isn’t a good man! He’s a great man! I love Jim Caldwell and I’d love for him to come over and play ping pong or cards against humanity or twister any time he wants. Just like I said with Mike Smith last year. These are perfect uncles but HORRIBLE coaches. They’re not leaders of men. Jim Caldwell is the Joe Philbin of the North and he should be ushered out of this madness posthaste. If they lose to the Bears this week it’s curtains for Caldwell, which is also the name of his off off broadway one man show.


Broncos vs Raiders

A form of self-hate I possess is that when I type “the Raiders” I hear Chris Berman in my head. The Raiders are improving. This game felt like watching an old man try to hold a puppy. You can’t bench Peyton Manning, right? Like, you just can’t? Here’s every day in the Broncos locker room knowing that Brock Osweiler is basically Ultron.

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Patriots vs Cowboys

It wasn’t a fair fight.

But the Cowboys did sack Brady five times and held New England to only thirty points. If there’s a moral victory, that’s it. I wish I could show you Dion Lewis’ amazing touchdown but, you know…


So I can’t use GIFs but here’s a pretty great image from the game in HD (Click to enlarge)


Giants vs Niners

The Niners felt like they had this one and a last second beautiful Eli touchdown steals victory from the arms of defeat. For a guy who always looks like he smelt it and dealt it, he pulls some crazy miracles out of his bag of tricks. I’m still not convinced that the future is as bright for the Giants as some people think and as dark for the Niners as some people think.

Steelers vs Chargers
Loved how it ended. Gutsy call, gutsy play. Hated watching the game. Just horrible, messy, disjointed football. I hate watching Huckleberry Rivers and the Roethlisberger-less Steelers. Torture. That’s what that game was. Torture.

One more thing…

I know I rarely look to the future, but for those on the fence, I suggest checking out the Patriots vs Colts on Sunday night. I mean, don’t skip Homeland for it, but DVR it. Everyone seems to think that the Patriots are mad at the Colts for inciting what would become the Deflategate spectacle. If they’re right, the Patriots might be on a mission to score a season’s worth of touchdowns in one game. But Andrew Luck might be back from injury, which would provide an interesting wrinkle. Might be a shootout. Might be a Colts upset. Might be a defensive donnybrook. Should be fun and interesting no matter which way it goes.


Then! On Monday Night Football! At Halftime!

The NEW STAR WARS THE FORCE AWAKENS TRAILER will preview. In fact, it’s a Star Wars themed Monday Night Football, thanks to Disney owned ESPN. Do you like your seamless corporate integration with one sugar or two, because there’s going to be cross platform synergy in your living room on Monday night, and I know I can’t want to see Kylo Ren stick his red dick in someone. I mean lightsaber. His red lightsaber. Jesus.

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Enjoy your weekend. Enjoy your life. Remember that it’s not confirmed but there’s a chance that the beating heart of a murdered hobo resides in the chest of a hobo-murdering Roger Goodell. If you can sleep at night knowing that? Knowing that there’s a slight chance that at some point Roger Goodell set out across the various unwatched trainyards of the country on a hobo murdering spree where he’d kind of pretend to be their friend and then Roadhouse their necks out and steal their still-beating hearts? Well, you’re a better person than me. Seriously. You are.

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Lord Castleton is a staff contributor. You can follow him on Twitter.