Today the NFL is livecasting its first game on Yahoo. You had to download the app and then the game is yours - FREE! They keep saying that. FREE FOOTBALL! As if most people are spending their last penny to pay per view the Browns games. Ugh. Anyway, I’ve got the app, I’ve spent thirty minutes browsing through NFL filler content and we’re read for kickoff in Wembley Stadium! It’s the Bills vs. the Jaguars. Two teams nobody gives a fuck about! Whooo hooo! A little pregame stuff and then we’ll presumably get to it. There’s a running joke that the English pronounce the U in Jag-u-ars. This is going to be a laugh riot, I can tell.
9:27 - James Corden picked the Bills! So did everyone else in the yahoo/NFL studio or whatever the hell it is we’re watching. Hi, have you guys ever watched E.J. Manuel? One team is without their QB, best RB, and two starting WRs but James Corden says it;s the Biiiiiills, so it must be.
9:30 - Rex is whispering during the national anthem. That’s fucked. You’re thumbing your nose at the football gods, hoss.
9:34 - The Ohio State marching band leaves the field and we’re off! Like a herd of turtles.
9:35 - This is a really subjective definition of “HD”
9:35 - “The elusive McCoy” isn’t that elusive anymore.
9:40 - That first Bills series was craptastic. Luckily the British audience gets treated to the most dynamic play in football….the fair catch. Ooooooooooooooh.
9:41 - Commercials. They cut in early. I don’t think the time is synced up right because every time they break for commercial they’re cutting off the booth broadcasters.
9:42 - Bitch you better not put on that Dolphins jersey. “Football is family” commercial. Guy in Patriots jersey gives his Fins wife the evil eye. That lady has ice in her veins.
9:43 - Here come the Jags! Yeldon up the middle for 3. I didn’t know I could be this erect.
9:44 - Agh! Hurns makes the play but it’s holding. Fucking Luke Joeckel! Weren’t you supposed to be like the first overall draft pick?
9:45 - “Rex is gonna heat up the young quarterback” says Rich Gannon…yeah that’s it. This was all about that ‘dominant’ Bills D and not Blake Bortles launching a duck out of a rubber catapult on the run on third down. That’s what it was.
9:46 - Bills second possession. Two of my kids are already tugging at me and crying. I love you guys, but, um E.J. MANUEL! Christ. Do these kids not understand the importance of E.J. Manuel?
9:37 - McCoy looks like he’s constipated in “The Real Slim Shady” graphic.
9:48 - The HD feed seems designed to go blurry whenever the action heats up. It’s the lean in protocol. “Make em really want it,” says some Yahoo executive.
9:49 - Charles Clay to the 12! We got usselves a game!
9:50 - Fumble on the snap! Recovered by Buffalo. Wildcat excitement.
9:51 - Chris Gregg catches it three yards out of bounds…what a dumbass. “You don’t see that very often do you?” No! Or fucking never! Because usually professionals are playing. I’ve never seen that before. He was almost out of the white strip on the sideline. Donkey. That’s Dan Orlovsky-ish.
9:51 - E.J. overthrows his receiver in the end zone by only about 30 feet! Darn!
9:51 - Carpenter hits the field goal for three. Yay! Europeans love kicking! 3-0 Bills! Taste the excitement, London!
9:53 - I don’t know how many first downs we’ve seen, but it’s not many. They’re raving about seeing the sun in London. Like: HOW LUCKY WE WERE ABLE TO SEE THE SUN TODAY. HOW LUCKY THERE’S AN NFL GAME ON ONE OF THE VERY FEW DAYS WHEN IT’S NOT FUCKING PISSING COLD MISERY FROM THE SKY.
9:54 - Yeldon for 8. That’s more like it.
9:54 - A first down! Holy shitballs! Get the Ohio State band back out here!
9:55 - Timeout Jags. Nice. Just as his QB picked up the first down. Way to go Gus Bradley! Head coach record 8-30. GUHHHHHH
9:56 - Gerhart picks up the first. He fucked more fantasy teams last year than people who drafted Josh Gordon.
9:57 - Wow huge blip. Hung picture then rubber banded forward during the biggest play of the game. I guess it was a pass play for like 20 yards.
9:58 - Frozen screen. Twenty six seconds of a freeze frame I didn’t ask for.
9:59 - I guess we’re back. 3rd and 11. Sick catch by Julius Thomas. Who would have thought being traded to Jacksonville would put him in a position to catch more balls? Oh Peyton, poor poor ancient Peyton. Wait! Holding. It’s coming back. 3rd and 21. Aaaaaaand fourth down.
10:00 - Two penalties on the play. Gannon tells them to go stick their head in the bushes. You know who else should do that? Whoever came up with this Yahoo livecast idea.
10:01 - I accidentally typed livecats and I think I’d rather be watching live cats right now. This is a pissfest.
10:03 - My kids are sitting in front of the TV and just staring at me. It’s a silent protest. My kids are basically Ghandi. Just staring at me. They’re like ghouls. Now they’re asking for oatmeal. You know who needs some goddamn oatmeal? E.J. manuel. Because he suuuuuuucks.
10:04 - “A stinger” is a term for a minor contusion to an NFL player. For the rest of us it would be like a life-ending injury.
10:05 - Coverage sack.
10:05 - Sen’Derrick Marks knocks down the third down pass. Every name is better with a Sen’ in front of it. I think that’s something we can all agree on.
10:06 - Another three and out? Let’s go for the record people! Who would have thought a Rex Ryan team could have such a shitty offense? BAHAHAHAHAHA Everyone. Everyone thought that.
10:08 - The jags have 15 yards on their first two drives.
10:08 - Allen Hurns! 22 yard gain! KEEP DOING THAT. He’s a P.I.M.P.
10:09 - Allen Robinson! 23 yards gain! KEEP DOING THAT. He’s a S.T.U.D.
10:09 - I think I like the idea of T.J. Yeldon more than I like T.J. Yeldon.
10:10 - 12 yards up the middle. I take it back. You are a goddamn revelation, T.J. Yeldon. LeSean McCoy is like “I used to run like that four years ago.” MMmmph. I’m picturing that Shady has pockets in his football pants and he’s jamming his hands into them and pouting, Really he’s just probably whispering shit about what a racist Chip Kelly is to someone.
10: 11 - 1st quarter is in the past. 3-0 Bills. I may have to masturbate to that score. It’s so exciting. We’re exporting a great product overseas. WITNESS OUR FINEST.
10:13 - Bortles runs. It’s like the great white dork of the north. “A great lumbering beast is on the move m’lord! He ran for almost a full yard!”
10:14 - This daunting Bills D has zero pass rush.
10:15 - TOUCHDOWN! ALLEN ROBINSON! THE LONG WAIT IS OVER! Rex sent a casino blitz and left a Keebler Elf alone on an island to defend the 6’3” 220lb Allen Robinson. Rex really IS a defensive genius. Allen Robinson has 6 TDs on the season. That’s top 3 in the NFL. WHO’S GOT A MOTHERFUCKING LEG BRUISE? ALLEN ROBINSON SAYS FUCK YOU TO LEG BRUISES EVERYWHERE.
10:17 - 18 yard return for Boobie Dixon. No player has made more seven years old NFL fans snicker than Boobie Dicks-on. One man. Boobs AND dicks, son.
10:18 - Just when I think the HD has settled in, it gets all pixelated again.
10:19 - Third and nine. God these Bills are shit. E.J. drops back…SACKED! FUMBLE! RECOVERED BY JACKSONVILLE OH MY GOD TOUCHDOWN JAG-U-ARS! 14-3! Rex Ryan is like “I DIDN’T COME TO LONDON TO KISS THE QUEEN’S RINGS” Why are you a coach? You should be a prison guard! You’re incompetent. The 1-5 Jags are pooping on you on national TV! Or actually on some kind of application based global livecast. THAT’S WORSE.
10:22 - Jeff Gordon must be nice. He brought a level of genuine enthusiasm to a Bank of America commercial I didn’t think was possible.
10:23 - Bills have the ball back. I have to dress one of the kids for a birthday party. Who PLANS A PARTY DURING A FUCKING GLOBAL APPLICATION BASED LIVECAST? Goddamn joy police.
HOLY SHIT! PICK SIX! FIRST PLAY OUT OF THE GATE! JESUS H CHRIST THE ROUT IS ON! 21-3 AND THE PIPED IN JAGUAR ROAR SOUND FX IS TICKLING THE SEX ORGANS OF THE CONFUSED BRITS IN WEMBLEY!
10:25 - Raise your hand if you started the Jags D in fantasy. Right. No one. It seems like a good idea, NOW though. That’s the thing about fantasy. Hindsight is painfully obvious. Of course we all should have started any D against E.J. Manuel. My Broncos D is off and I went with Minnesota. I was debating between them and Atlanta against Mettenberger. Didn’t even think about the Jags. Not even for one second.
10:28 - 3rd and 16 for the Bills. Lucky they have that sweet passing game to rely on. Lady Castleton is giving me the stink eye. I was supposed to dress our five year old and then that pick six happened. I’M LIKE: PICK SIX HONEY! She doesn’t care. I better go help -
OH MY GOD INTERCEPTION AGAIN! HAHAHAHA OH SHIT! They can’t even pull E.J.! They only have Josh Johnson who got signed this week. Nice move trading away Matt Cassell, Doug Whaley! The Bills are so smart. (Like Matt Cassel would be game-changer. Who are we kidding?)
10:48 - I’m back. Okay. Apparently I missed a T.J. Yeldon 28 yard run for TD. Remember earlier when I said I was a 100% believer in T.J. Yeldon? I’m pretty sure I said that.
10:48 - Okay! I guess I also missed a Robert Woods reception TD. I’m assuming that was from E.J. it’s 27-10. Twenty seven first half points from the Jags. Holy crap. Did they miss an extra point? I don’t know who’s more in the doghouse right now, me or Rex. Just because I quote unquote “failed to mention that there was a game on Sunday morning and that I’d be live posting it.” Sheeesh. Obviously it’s a legendary game. Does Lady Castleton really think I’d miss the first ever application based livecast of a game between two teams who will never sniff the playoffs on foreign soil? I mean, COME ON! OKAY HONEY I’LL SKIP THE PROM. JESUS!
10:53 - Bortles sacked. I fully expected the Jags to score again, but now they’re punting. The way this Bills D is playing, the Jags should score every drive.
10:54 - I missed twenty minutes of a livecast. That’s like thirty years of livecast in dog years. I hope Lady Castleton appreciates that effort. She gets to rush out on a Sunday morning and socialize with parents from our son’s new school she barely knows as our five year old clings to her leg and outs us as people who raise overly shy possibly codependent kids and I HAVE TO WORK! I WISH I GOT TO TRAIPSE AROUND AND PAL AROUND WITH PEOPLE BUT ONE OF US IS WORKING, OKAY? I just tried to rewind but there’s a popup that says SEEKING IS NOT AVAILABLE. No, Yahoo app. I am seeking right now, I’m just not finding what I want. Okay, I guess most of the second quarter is just gone forever. I WISH I COULD SEEK.
10:57 - The Bills are moving! E.J. has 11 completions on the day. Those are Peyton manning numbers!
10:58 - Bills in field goal range.
10: 59 - 3rd down, E.J. is gonna scream it in to Chris Hogan aaaaaaand incomplete.
11:00 - Carpenter drills a 31 yard field goal. The Bills have cut the deficit to two scores. Gotta credit E.J. for fighting his way back. Tough to look that bad coming out of the gate. That start was so bad it was nearly vintage Kaepernick.
11:03 - Halftime. I have to go make some sandwiches so when the older kids come upstairs from playing in the basement I can point to the sandwiches and grunt.
11:05 - What’s this halftime show going to be? Answer: nothing. Just Terrell Davis and Heath Evans taking. PASS.
11:05 - Katie Couric is still alive? Watch her on Yahoo News? “I’m Katie Couric. Watch me on Yahoo News.” I’m sure she dreamed of saying that as a little girl. The times they are a’changin.
11:17 - Okay we’re back. Touchback and heeeeeeere come the Jags!
11:17 - Rex’s interview with the sideline reporter on the jog out from halftime “we’re comin’ back!” You know which Rex Ryan predictions you can thoroughly disregard? ALL OF THEM.
11:18 - Yeldon running hard for three yards. I love him so much. It’s documented.
11:20 - First down. Atta baby Jacksonville. Don’t let the Bills snatch the momentum again.
11:21 - Jags take a second half timeout less than three minutes removed from Halftime. Nice. That’s precision time management there. You probably won’t need that timeout later. Just fucking burn one like a pitcher setting up a power hitter. Burn one.
11:23 - Third and four…. Robinson for a first down to the Bills 20.
11:24 - What a chess match between these two legendary coaches. Geniuses. This is like Kasparov vs Topalov.
11: 26 - First and goal after a good heads up play by Yeldon. Good thing I’ve had a shrine to him for a long time. I have been preaching his message for a pretty long time now. The gospel according to T.J. Motherfuckin’ Yeldon. That’s my creed.
11:27 - Pass to Julius in the endzone! Aaaaaand pass interference on the Bills. Ball placed tenderly at the 1. Like a lover.
11:28 - In comes Toby Gerhart. The John Kuhn of the south.
11:28 - Except that Kuhn always punches it in. Gerhardt stuffed twice. Third down.
11:29 - Gerhardt stuffed again. I IZ A SHORT YARDAGE SPECIALIST. No, you’re not. Fourth down!
11:30 - Gerhardt again…..STUFFED! Holy shit! What a stand by the Bills! Rex Ryan must be messily shoving handfulls of Lil’ Debbies cakes into his mouth and grunt-snorting right now. We cut to a commercial so I can’t see him but I know that’s what he’s doing. He’s chest bumping his players and pieces of Lil’ Debbies cakes are shooting all over everyone and no one cares because FOOTBALL.
11:32 - Can E.J. go 99 yards? 99 yards but a bitch ain’t one, because Percy Harvin isn’t playing for personal reasons today.
11:33 - E.J. runs for a first down at the 11. E.J.’s HEATING UP!
11:34 - 12 yard gain to Charles Clay. I actually love me some Charles Clay. If I had to rank the players on the field, Charles Clay would be well ahead of Toby Gerhart, though nowhere near T.J. Yeldon, who is probably my favorite player of all time.
11:35 - Zane Beadles is injured. LISTEN TO YOUR FRIEND ZANE BEADLES. HE’S A REALLY COOL GUY.
11:36 - Bills on the warpath! Four quick first downs. That’s more than the Niners have had in three games. Rex for President!
11:37 - The crowd is quiet today but not British quiet. I just lost sound for about eighteen seconds and when it came back there was polite cheering.
11:38 - E.J. is slingin’ it! I love how everyone is blowing Bills offensive coordinator Greg Roman when they were calling for his testes in a blender last year in San Francisco. That’s how bad it is for the Niners this year. They’re like “remember the good ol’ days? The Greg Roman days?”
11: 39 - Bills are inside the 10. First and goal.
11:39 - Two penalties on first down on the Bills. That Rex Ryan knows how to keep a squad disciplined.
11:40 - First and goal from the 11….pass to Boom Herron. Gain of three and that’s the end of the third quarter. Jags 27, Bills 10.
11:40 - Somewhere Lady Castleton is enjoying her morning, making small talk with strangers, graciously ingesting a generic cake from a local grocery store. Ffff. Some of us are locked in a life and death struggle to accurately convey the mood in a football game. Who has it harder, I ask you? Me. That’s what I’m driving at. My Sundays are full of difficulty.
11:43 - Second and goal E.J. picked in the endzone! Ohhhhh he dropped it. Hit the Jags corner in the hands. Wow.
11:44 - Third and goal …overthrown. Fourth down! Does Rex have balls?
11:45 - No. He’s gonna kick it. It’s good. 27 - 13.
11:49 - Okay 14 minutes to go in the game. Here come the Jags! Incomplete to Hurns.
11:50 - Second down. Aaaaand incomplete to Julius Thomas. Bortles kind of looks wonky.
11:51 - Third and ten. Maybe take some time off the clock? I don’t know. Pass DROPPED by Hurns. Oh that was the shittiest series of the season. That was Matt Stafford bad.
11:52 - Denarius Moore with a 30 yard return….and illegal block in the back. It’s coming back. Remember when Denarius Moore was more than just a guy that fumbled punts?
11:54 - Rex looks weird in blue. How often do you think he gets fired up in the locker room and tell his guys to “play like fuckin Jets?” Probably like twice a week.
11:55 - Here come the Bills. E.J. with a first down right out of the gate. This game has totally swung toward the Bills. The Jags look dejected. BUNCH OF FUCKING GOTHS! SNUB OUT THAT CIGARETTE AND START PLAYING FOOTBALL, DUMMIES! YOU’RE WINNING!
11:55 - Third and one….and a false start on the Bills. This team isn’t happy unless it shoots itself in the foot once every series. Nuts. Now it’s third and six. Manuel gets tattooed. And roughing the passer? That’s a shit call. Maybe he got him in the head? I couldn’t tell and obviously I can’t SEEK.
11:57 - HOLY SHIT, HUGE PLAY TO SHADY! HE POWERS TO THE GOAL LINE AND FUMBLES!!!! JACKSONVILLE RECOVERS!!!! Fourth turnover for Buffalo. Damn, Shady was really working for that play and he took a huge hit at the goal line. I couldn’t see who hit him and we’ve cut to commercial now. No idea what happened but Shady was still down when they threw to commercial. Too bad, that’s the hardest Shady has run in years.
11:59 - Back from commercial, Shady is walking off. There was an illegal block penalty on the Bills so the Jags start at their own 19. Yeldon over 100 yards rushing. He’s dreamy.
12:00 - It’s noon in the east! Third down. I skipped ahead and have no idea what happened on first and second down. Rich Gannon says three and out and it’s 4th and seven so I’m guessing a three yard gain from Yeldon on first down and two incompletions from Bortles. Jags kick it away. The Jags look like a team who have lost four in a row and are fucking DYING to make it five. If you told me Jags owner Shad Khan told them to lose at all costs so they can alienate the fan base in Jacksonville and finally move to London once and for all, I’d believe that. That’s how poorly the Jags are playing.
12:01 - The Seahawks have exported two bald, goatee’d defensive coordinators to head coach other teams in the last couple of years (Dan Quinn in Atlanta and Gus Bradley in Jacksonville) and GUS BRADLEY NEEDS TO TUNE SOME SHIT UP. This team needs to get high and stay high. Too many letdowns.
12:05 - Third and 1 for Buffalo. The feed skipped forward again. No idea what happened on first and second down. They’re bringing in the sticks to measure. Aaaaand it’s a first down for Buffalo. The Bills are getting the breaks. Do you hear that Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability.
12:07 - Oooooh almost connected on a big play…E.J. stripped! Aaaaaand Buffalo recovers. Fourth down. 9:07 left in the game. Nice punt downed at the three. Screen is frozen on a commercial of an adorable little Hispanic boy meeting his terrifyingly white new parents for the first time. Zillow commercial. Going for that heartwarming The Blind Side vibe.
12:11 - Beauty shots of London as we fade back in. Looks like rain. I’m not kidding. IT ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE RAIN GUV’NAH.
12:11 - Bills offside. 1st and 5. Yeldon four yard gain. He’s such a tentative runner. Stop dancing, asshole. Go north south! God he sucks.
12:12 - Yeldon can’t even get a yard on second down. It’s like the Jags were on coke when the game started and now they’re all coming down at once. Blake Bortles is licking his fingers in the huddle I HOPE I LOOK LIKE DREW BREES WHEN I LICK MY SHIT UP.
12:14 - Third and one. I formation. Fullback dive aaaaaaaand he didn’t get it! HAHAHAHA What an embarrassing series and now you’re punting from your end zone. YOU DUMB BASTARDS. YOU DESERVE ALL THE MISERY YOU BRING ON YOURSELVES. Somewhere Shad Khan is wheeze-snickering and stroking his elephantine mustache. Yesssssssss. Yesssssssssss!
12:16 - Fair caught at midfield. Commercial of a Cadillac coming out of the fog. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Papa Johns commercial with Peyton. Better ingredients, better pizza, “BEDDER FOOTBALL” says Peyton through his damaged brain. Papa Johns. Every time I see that I remember that Peyton is a Republican. But where’s that money going? Trump or Ben Carson? Those are the front runners. There’s no way they’re getting Republican cash. Where’s it going?
12: 17 - Manuel sacked on first down.
12:17 - MANUEL DEEP PASS…….TOUCHDOWN! FIFTY EIGHT YARD PASS! HOLY SHIT PASS TO EASLEY! WHOOOOOOO HOOOOOO WE GOT A GAME FOLKS!!
12:18 - BILLS DOWN BY FIVE. GOING FOR TWO…broken play….holy shit pass interference! half the distance to the goal line. redoing the try….
12:20 - Shady McCoy up the middle….GOOD FOR TWO. We have a three point game, folks. Jags 27, Bills 24. TWENTY ONE UNANSWERED POINTS! YOU HEAR THAT MR. ANDERSON? THAT IS THE SOUND OF YOUR DEATH.
12:22 - Gus Bradley is yelling LET’S GO on his sideline. YEAH NO SHIT, GUS. Ugh what a meltdown. You can’t make this shit up. When the Jags lose, they should fire Gus Bradley at the 50 yard line AND give him a wedgie. That’s how bad this meltdown is. Dear god.
12:23 - Here come the Jags! First down at their own 20.
12:24 - Incomplete!
12:25 - Second down, Yeldon up the middle for three.
12:25 - Third and seven….false start! Third and twelve! Oh god! This team needs to lose! They want to lose so badly.
12:26 - AAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH I CAN’T BELIEVE MY EYES! HOLY SHIT BORTLES THREW A RAINBOW PASS TO NO ONE AND IT WAS PICKED OFF AND RETURNED FOR A TOUCHDOWN. BILLS TAKE THE LEAD. 31-27!!!! AAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! HOW? HOW? OH MY GOD 5:21 LEFT IN THE GAME! BILLS UP BY 4. HOLY MOTHERFUCKIN SHIT! WOW WOW WOW. EVEN THOUGH WE ALL KNEW IT IT’S STILL AMAZING TO SEE. I WAS ONLY HALF-SERIOUS ABOUT THOSE MATRIX QUOTES BECAUSE WHO GIVES UP 28 UNANSWERED POINTS? HOLY SHIT!
12: 29 - Okay. Bills kicking off…down at his own 16. Rex Ryan, folks! Coach of the year! Like I always said! I feel like I should take up smoking. Or meth. What a rush. First and ten…Bortles complete! 20 yard gain!
12:30 - First and ten. Coverage sack. No one open. Second and 12 coming up.
12:31 - Eighteen yard pickup on second down to Allen Robinson to the Bills 48!
12:32 - First down, incomplete pass over the top to Julius Thomas. Second and ten coming up.
12:33 - Rex sends the house. Bortles hurries his throw and it’s incomplete. Third and ten. 3:04 left.
12:34 - Ugh…DELAY OF GAME JACKSONVILLE. Shad Khan is in a bubble bath shaving his legs and giggling. This is a disgrace. Third and fifteen!
12:35 - Pass interference against Buffalo! HAHAHA It’s a suicide-off, folks! Who can shit the bed worse? YOU HAVE THE VICTORY! NO, YOU HAVE THE VICTORY, I INSIST! Stay tuned! First down from the 36!
12:36 - 2:34 left…AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ALLEN HURNS TOUCHDOWN FROM BLAKE MOTHERFUCKIN BORTLES! 31 YARD PASS! JAGS TAKE THE LEAD! THIS IS THE GREATEST LIVECASTED INTERNATIONAL SERIES GAME IN NFL HISTORY. BRITS EVERYWHERE ARE NODDING POLITELY BUT EARNESTLY. EXTRA POINT UP AND GOOD! 2:16 LEFT TO GO IN THE GAME. I MAY HAVE JUST GIVEN BIRTH. THIS IS THE HAPPIEST MOMENT OF ANYONE FROM JACKSONVILLE’S LIFE. THE LET’S GO DIRECTIVE FROM GUS BRADLEY COMES JUST IN TIME. GUS BRADLEY IS INFINITE. THE LETS GO’S FROM GUS BRADLEY CAN RAISE THE DEAD. WE ARE WITNESSING IT.
12:40 - Okay, whew. Jesus. Dear god. Bills ball. The score is 34-31. They’re down by three with all three timeouts. Jacksonville and Buffalo, two cities that have almost the exact same amount of people. E.J. Manuel runs for a first down at his 30!
12: 43 - shit the game just skipped ahead! No idea what happened. But it’s 1:45 left, second and 1 at the Bills 39……McCoy stopped. Third and one. Totally wrong about the populations of Buffalo and Jacksonville. One is roughly four times bigger than the other.
12:44 - Manuel sneaks….AND FUMBLES! JAGS RECOVER! BUT WAIT….HOLY SHIT. THE REFS ARE MARKING FORWARD PROGRESS, THE BILLS KEEP THE BALL BUT IT’S FOURTH DOWN. OH GOD. IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL. THIS BALLET OF INEFFICIENCY. THIS DONKEYFEST. MY GOD!
12:46 - Shit! The game is frozen…okat it’s back….Manuel back to pass….KNOCKED AWAY! 53 SECONDS LEFT TO PLAY JACKSONVILLE TAKES OVER ON DOWNS. Shad Khan is like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I said lose you fools! LOSE!
12:47 - Bortles is in the victory formation. Brits are looking at each other waiting for something to happen. No, that’s it, friends. Jacksonville is going to win. Gus Bradley is smiling like he did something good. I DONE SOMFING GOOD, MA. Yeah, you yelled LET’S GO at the exact right time. You’re basically George S. Patton.
12:48 - Well, that’s it. 34-31. My god what a treat. The parts of the game I saw were really average football permeated with a few plays that actually looked like real football. God I love Allen Hurns. Clutch game winning TD. They’re interviewing him now. He has basically the same Q score as Queen Latifah.
That’s it. That’s all she wrote. Was the livecast a success? No, I’d say generally not. Unacceptable amount of rubber banding, my game locked up like 20 times. I’m sure they’ll work out the kinks but if you tune in to watch the game, you should be able to, y’know…watch the game.
Okay, now I have to get the kids ready for the next birthday party. That’s not a joke. We have three today. Thank god there’s still twelve full hours of football left to go today, thanks to the wonders of the DVR. Lady Castleton will be so PUMPED.
If you made it this far, thanks for hanging around. I need a shower. Christ.