Five Things You Need To Know About Tonight’s NFL Kickoff.

By Lord Castleton | NFL | September 8, 2016 |

By Lord Castleton | NFL | September 8, 2016 |

1. Cam Newton is Handsome as All Getout.

Is that still a term? All Getout? Is it All Get Out? I have no idea what it even means, but I’m trying to clean up my casual profanity. What I really wanted to write is that Cam Newton is hot as fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Someday, in the future, when we are a space-faring civilization and have the tech to upload your brain into a host body, we will all look like Cam Newton. Because he’s fucking gorgeous. Big, strong, fast and a huge smile. Because when you flip through the future-pamphlet of possible host bodies you’ll keep coming back to Cam Newton because, how could you find anything better?

Cam Newton is the quarterback of the Carolina Panthers. He’s also the NFL’s reigning Most Valuable Player. He plays this game like a kid in his back yard. He smiles in the huddle. He smiles at the line. He smiles when he gets hit. He smiles when he scores. Unlike most NFL quarterbacks, who could press a lump of coal into a diamond if you put it in their bum at the line of scrimmage, Cam’s starfish is always at swinging-in-a-hammock tightness. He’s calm, cool and relaxed.

And every time he scores a touchdown and does his patented Superman move, he hands the ball to a little kid in the stands. Come on. COME THE FUCK ON. Don’t tell me you don’t love Cam Newton.

2. Denver might knock his butthole off. Again.

Heeeeeeeere’s the thing with that. Last year’s Super Bowl was between these two teams and Cam got his fucking ass handed to him. Over and over and over again. It was like abuse. Denver won the Super Bowl with quarterback Peyton Manning at the helm. He was 104 years old at the time and has now retired. Thank god. He threw more ducks last season than a cohort of toddlers in a giant bathtub. Now he stars in such masterpieces as this weekend’s Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe, where he was described by Rob Lowe this way: “Peyton Manning is a two-time Super Bowl champion and a Hall of Famer, but it didn’t give him a big head. That came from years of inbreeding.”

Look at this guy. He’s like Jafar at the end of Alladin. Oooooone too many hits with the snake.

GRRRRRRNNNNNNHHHHHH! DATS FUNNY! HEY YOUUUUU GUYS!

GRIGNAK SMASH!

3. It’s Trev Semen time!

DEAD MAN WALKIN’!

That’s the new QB of the Broncos. Trevor Semen. Or Seimian or something. No one really knows or cares. Look at this guy. He looks like a seventh grader. Talk about knocked-off-bungholes. Jesus. The Panthers are going to knock his taint into the cheap seats. This kid may never poop again.

When you trade in a first ballot Hall of Famer like Peyton for whatever the hell Trevor Seimian is, it’s not good. The whole Mile High City dropped a foot and a half lower toward sea level when they all sighed at once when Trevor Seiman got the starting nod. Imagine having a full balloon in one hand and dart in the other. Can you picture that? Good. Now imagine as you’re standing there, looking from hand to hand, calculating, you get hit by a fucking DRONE STRIKE. That’s what the Carolina Panther defense is going to do to Trevor Seimian tonight.

4. But but but but but…

Yes yes, the Broncos still have great players on both sides of the ball, but so do the Panthers. Last year, for example, Cam’s best receiver was this converted mongoose named Ted Ginn who runs 93 miles per hour in one direction and catches almost ⅓ of the balls thrown at him. He’s got a worse completion rating than those shitty, cheating free-throw hoops at local carnivals. And yet Cam still got the Panthers to the big game. This year the Panthers have two behemoth wide receivers, 6’4” and 6’5” respectively, in addition to a beautiful Viking in the middle of the field and the one-trick mongoose Ted Ginn. This is the Viking. Not a Minnesota Viking, An actual Viking.

Okay, so maybe not eeeeeeveryone in the future will look like Cam Newton. Come the fuck on. How stoked is Greg Olsen’s wife? “Which one is your husband? The one that looks like George Costanza? The one that looks like Paul Giamatti in Billions?”

Uh, no, that’s him right there. The one who looks like we borrowed him directly from Valhalla. The one who could be an actual Norse God. Yep. The one who just made you question your choices in life. Him.

I’ve posted this before, elsewhere, but will you get a load of this gorgeous family? Are you serious with this, Greg Olsen? Knock it off. Seriously. This is straight-up not fair.

5. The Panthers kind of got screwed.

The NFL is made up of 32 teams, 16 on each side. Each side is called a “conference.” The two teams that win each conference are the ones that end up in the Super Bowl.

So, the Panthers won the NFC last year. When that happens, as a doff of the cap to the achievement, the NFL usually gives those teams a HOME game to begin the following season. Home games are played in your home stadium and are thought to be easier because you have your fanbase supporting you and you can sleep in your house instead of a hotel, etc. But this year, in a wacky Super Bowl rematch, the Panthers travel to the wafer-thin air of Denver.

Not cool. Not cool at all. Let’s see if they unleash a righteous anger on the Broncos tonight!

That’s pretty much all you need to know for now. Look for my Week One NFL Preview tomorrow. Enjoy the game tonight and the kickoff of the NFL season.

Kickoff is at 8:30 Eastern on NBC.

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