We Found the Most Pointless Story

Now that an authoritarian state is upon us, it seems we’ll need to communicate in ways the “free state” can’t recognize—like, you know, stringing together words into sentences that the illiterati won’t be able to understand. We’ll also need to slip our resistance messages into mundane stories about people who barely qualify as personalities.

We’re going to need a lot of pointless stories to get through the next four years, and lucky for you all, I’ve found the most pointless story of all. Some of you may remember that, a few weeks ago, country singer Zach Bryan had a messy Instagram breakup with Brianna LaPaglia, better known as Brianna Chickenfry — a ridiculous pseudonym that ironically evokes the most popular song of the Zac Brown Band.

That connection may or may not be intentional. I don’t know who this person is, other than that she works for Barstool Sports and is, therefore, definitely part of the 52 percent of white women who got us into this position where we need pointless stories to sneak in our subliminal messages designed to turn your children gay. Chickenfry hosts the BFFs podcast with Barstool founder Dave Portnoy and some other guy no one outside the lonely “alpha” male crowd has ever heard of. Portnoy and this rando are dropping a diss track about Bryan called “The Smallest Man,” due out today (and I assume Portnoy did this to “protect” Chickenfry, whether she wanted protecting or not).

The point is — and again, I cannot stress enough how pointless this is — after announcing the song, someone commented on Instagram, “Y’all aren’t even brave enough to tag him in the picture.” Chickenfry responded, “We r all blocked.”

And that’s it: Country singer Zach Bryan blocked his ex-girlfriend on Instagram. This “news” was covered by Us, Page Six, TMZ, and Pajiba.com, though, to be fair, those other sites aren’t trying to turn your children gay.