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Tom Brady Turns into a Moody Teenager After Hearing About Pregnant Ex, Gisele Bündchen

By Dustin Rowles | News | October 29, 2024 |

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Header Image Source: Getty Images

This is not related to the above headline, except tangentially — NFL and WAGs — but the roast comic during the Madison Square Garden rally on Sunday said so many racist things that, somehow, his joking that Travis Kelce is the next O.J. Simpson slipped by most of us. He basically joked that Kelce would murder Taylor Swift, and it barely registered except, I presume, with Swiftie Nation. Tony Hinchcliffe might want to cancel his shows for the next … decade.

But this post is about Tom Brady, whom I don’t dislike as much as I once did thanks to the existence of Aaron Rodgers. Granted, I think it’s pathetic that Fox would compromise whatever journalistic ethics exist in an NFL announcer booth to pay the part-owner of an NFL team $37 million a year for mediocre announcing, but I’ll let that slide for the moment because the guy who won’t eat red foods did something relatable!

Yesterday, Brady’s ex, Gisele Bündchen, announced that she was pregnant with her Jiu-Jitsu instructor’s baby. Here’s some context: Bündchen’s Jiu-Jitsu instructor was her Jiu-Jitsu instructor before she and Brady divorced. It’s unclear if the Jiu-Jitsu instructor is why they divorced, or if it was because Tom Brady refused to retire and make more time for his family. Maybe the Jiu-Jitsu instructor was just around a lot when Tom Brady wasn’t. Who knows! The point is: During the Tom Brady roast, Brady laughed uncomfortably at a lot of those jokes that implied his ex-wife had left him for the Jiu-Jitsu instructor. And now, Bündchen is pregnant with the Jiu-Jitsu instructor’s baby (for the record, he does have a name; it is Joaquim Valente).

After the announcement, Tom Brady dropped a “cryptic” post to Instagram, although there’s not much cryptic about it. The post, set to the Chicks version of “Landslide,” recounted the lyrics of the song. “Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?”

Tom Brady is being a moony teenager! That’s some real Divorced Dad energy there, Tom! But I think he may have quoted the wrong lyrics from that song. I’ll help:

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing ‘Cause I built my life around you But time makes you bolder Children get older I’m getting older, too Well, I’m getting older, too

Someone needs to give Tom Brady a hug, as the latest obscenely wealthy person to learn that all that money doesn’t buy you emotional contentedness.