Tom Brady Is Back on the Field in the Weirdest Way Possible

Aw yeah that’s right, Tawmy frickin’ Touchdown is back! I was just pahkin’ the cah down by the bah the othah day and I said to myself, I said, “Ey, when is Tawmy comin’ back to the Pats?” Right hand to Gawd, but I’m gettin’ ahead of myself. Maybe Tawmy is playin’ for some other team, which is fine. That’s OK. It’s just nice to see him play some good ol’ American football here in the U.S. of A. where things ah finally great again.

Now, let’s just take a big sip of Dunkin and see wheah the greatest quartahback to evah frickin’ play is tossin’ the ol’ pigskin like the manly frickin’ Adonis he is. What? I know what an Adonis is, shut up. Via PEOPLE:

Tom Brady is coming out of retirement for a third time to play in an inaugural flag football tournament.

On Monday, Sept. 15, it was announced that Brady, Fanatics, Fox Sports, and OBB Media have teamed up to put on the Fanatics Flag Football Classic — a global flag football event scheduled to take place at Kingdom Arena in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, as part of this year’s Riyadh Season.

Did that just say the frickin’ Saudis are takin’ ovah frickin’ football like they did to frickin’ golf? Where are my readahs? Let me see that. Flag football?! The hell is that, Tawmy? Oh my Jesus Gawd, I have to rename my frickin’ kids now. This is a tackle football house, Tawmy. Tackle!

This is worse than when he played for Tampa or cried ‘cause people made fun of him at that roast. Who gets mad at being roasted? I would frickin’ love to be roasted. Is this why you doing this to us, Tawmy? ‘Cause you got roasted? Ruinin’ the greatest frickin’ game in the world because people were mean to Robert frickin’ Kraft? Did you drive him to get those dirty massages? Let it roll off yah back, Tawm!

Flag football in Saudi Arabia. Thank gawd Ben Affleck isn’t alive to see this. Oh, ya didn’t heah? That’s not him in those Dunkin commercials. Frickin’ clone. Saw it on Facebook. Yeah, died in his Batman suit all those yeahs back. That’s why they stopped makin’ those movies. Matt Damon was like, “I’ll sue Wahnah Brothahs and all ya Hollywood bastahds!” True story.