Thank You, Martin Scorsese, for Admitting Movie Theaters Suck

The movie theater experience is a hellhole. Some people like to say that the behavior has worsened post-pandemic, but I’d like to offer a different argument: It’s always been this bad. After experiencing the rapture of in-home viewing, people are only just now questioning why we’re paying top dollar to listen to each other chew, crinkle, and talk incessantly without the luxury of a pause button to take a leak.

Of course Film Twitter, in all its snobbery, has railed against this sentiment for years because Martin Scorsese loves the cinema and therefore the theatre is a holy place. A sacred church befouled by Marvel movies because film is supposed to be serious, you swine. Serious. That’s why Marty loves the theatre and would never speak ill of this holiest of communal experience.

Except, just kidding, he actually hates it and only watches movies at home now. Here’s what Marty told film critic Peter Travers via The Guardian:

“I asked the maestro why he doesn’t see movies in theatres anymore and he went all raging bull about audiences who babble on phones during the movie, leave to order snacks and vats of soda, and keep up a noise level loud enough to drown out the actors.”

Travers then countered that Scorsese, 82, likely behaved in a similar way when he was younger. “‘Come on, Marty,’ I said, ‘we couldn’t keep our mouths shut when we were kids.’”

Travers added: “His [Scorsese’s] eyes darkened. ‘Yeah, maybe,’ he conceded, ‘but when we talked it was always about the movie and the fun we had chewing over the details.’”

Folks, this is what’s killing the theater experience. Not Marvel or Disney or whatever. It’s the sh**head public. The last movie I saw, a dude showed up 30 minutes late and took a phone call like it was a perfectly normal thing to do. At that point, why even come? My man bought popcorn and a soda, so that’s easily $30 all said and done just to sit in a dark room where random images are projected on a screen?

That said, I will admit one thing has gotten worse in the past year or so: Talking at the goddamn screen. But here’s the thing, everyone says, “Well, ushers should do their jobs.” Congratulations, you’ve just caused an even bigger distraction with, again, no pause button.

That’s why visionaries like Marty and I have things figured out. We’ll be on our couches, fully enjoying every line of dialogue, while knocking back white cheddar cheese curls. Marty likes them, too. Trust me. We’re practically the same.