OpenAI To Make Barbies and Bombs. What Could Go Wrong?

It’s a cliche to say that businessmen are working hard to create things that authors and artists warned us about, but dammit, it’s true. Artificial Intelligence is the latest potentially helpful technology being used to bring nightmares to life. I have a family member who is all-in on AI, as he naively sees it as something that can collect human knowledge and intelligence and be sent out into the stars to communicate with other life forms. The snag is that anyone who could make money off of AI is not interested in anything nearly as altruistic. They are far more concerned with taking jobs, separating people from one another, and sweet, sweet military money.

Look at all the AI avatars that are supposed to be replacements for friends. Think about all the people who are asking ChatGPT questions instead of talking to an actual human being. This is just the beginning. The programs will become more advanced. Their focus will spread. AI has already been adopted by huge companies to help them save a few cents. Now, it’s going even further, as OpenAI has reached agreements with Mattel and… the U.S. military. Jesus Christ.

Let’s start with Mattel, which has promised to use the technology to “bring the magic of AI to age-appropriate play experiences with an emphasis on innovation, privacy, and safety.” Call me crazy, but if you have to emphasize up top that your toys will focus on “privacy, and safety,” then there is likely a problem! To be fair, this could all end up being Mattel’s excuse to not pay human toy developers, as they go on to say they will “incorporate OpenAI’s tools such as ChatGPT Enterprise into its business operations to enhance product development and creative ideation, drive innovation, and deepen engagement with its audience.”

Then there are the military contracts. OpenAI also announced that it received a defense contract for $200 million from the U.S. Department of Defense. They will provide the department with AI tools, including ones focused on proactive cyber defense. If that sounds insane to you, it’s because it is! Remember the family member I mentioned? Nothing blows up his AI fever dreams faster than when I ask what happens if AI (rightfully) decides that human beings are a threat to the planet. Hearing that an AI will be put in charge of proactive defense makes that frightening dream a potential reality.

Also, this is all the plot of f***ing Small Soldiers! That film is about a defense contractor that attempts to make toys that can play back. It all goes horribly wrong, with AI chips making the toys murderous, including a horde of Barbie dolls who are turned into living weapons. OpenAI’s announcement of both deals brings us so much closer to that reality; it feels like we’re living out some awful executive’s idea of a cash-grabbing prequel. It’s speed-running us toward an apocalypse inspired by a movie that isn’t even that good (which is a real shame because it was Phil Hartman’s last).

If we’re going by Terminator rules, this is all pretty much guaranteed. The best we’ll get is that some John Connor type will send an AI-powered Barbie back from the future at some point to assist his past self in staying alive long enough to fight for the future. This is, of course, after the new ChatBOT in charge of our nuclear codes decides Canada is too much of a cyber threat and attempts to blow it off the map. All because the people in charge don’t want to pay their employees and some dweeby techbros with poor media literacy gave them the perfect tool to avoid doing so.