Mark Zuckerberg Did Not Like Billie Eilish Telling Him To Be a Good Person

Signing up for Facebook was such a big deal at my high school (sorry). You had to know somebody who already had it so they could invite you, and then you had to lie about being a college student. It was cool, man. I made my profile picture a black & white of me singing with a band for the talent show the year before. I sounded terrible, but the picture looked dope. Plus, my girlfriend and I had just broken up, so I knew that having a Facebook profile with that picture would be my ticket to a date or two.

I set that bad boy up and waited for the ladies to reach out to me, as I was sure they were going to do. Never happened. Fast forward a few years, and, post a break-up with a different girlfriend, I was drunk-posting songs from Shrek: The Musical about building a wall around myself. I don’t think anyone would ever accuse me of being subtle, but even that was a bit much. Shortly thereafter, I used that same profile to message a woman I had done some stand-up comedy shows with and ask her on a date. Can you believe she never messaged me back?!

All that cringeworthy nonsense you just read made Mark Zuckerberg a billionaire! He created a platform that hooked people into fake social interactions filtered through whatever anxiety or issues they may have. There are plenty of people who can use the site responsibly, but as with something like gambling, some people can’t handle getting such easy access to something like this, and could end up doing something dumb.

Never in a million years could I have anticipated that the man who made a website to spitefully rate the hotness of women would have such a profound effect on humanity. Facebook has changed lives and the world for the worse. Meanwhile, ole Zucky boy is out here wearing puka shell necklaces, stupid glasses, and building bunkers in preparation for the inevitable collapse of humanity that he helped quicken. If only someone could call out people like him to his face. Enter Billie Eilish!

Billie Eilish is a fantastic singer-songwriter, and, apparently, has zero ****s to give, but in a cool-as-a-cucumber kind of way. She received the Music Innovator Award from the Wall Street Journal Magazine this week and took the opportunity to shame people who don’t do better with their money. It’s the kind of public showing that we should be seeing more of, given the current climate of duress in this country, but most people in power are cowards. Not much we can do until they all find their courage.

“We’re in a time right now where the world is really, really bad and really dark, and people need empathy and help more than, kind of, ever, especially in our country,” Eilish told a room packed with celebrities and Zuckerberg. “I’d say if you have money, it would be great to use it for good things, maybe give it to some people that need it.” She continued, saying, Love you all, but there’s a few people in here that have a lot more money than me. If you’re a billionaire, why are you a billionaire? No hate, but yeah, give your money away, shorties.”

Her remarks received a smattering of applause. According to an eyewitness from People, Mark Zuckerberg did not clap. George Lucas was there too, has plenty of money, and I bet he was nearly hooting and hollering, and yelling, “I love giving away my money, shorty,” or something like that. But Zuck was not feeling the love, presumably because he needed an update or something.

The funniest thing about this to me is that some Harvard dweeb started this website to feel cool, and now a super popular, Grammy-winning artist is dunking on him in front of the guy who created Star Wars. There aren’t enough surfing lessons and tight perms in the world that could make up for this kind of story. The man is a big, L-seven weenie. Not amount of money in the world can change that, so he may as well give it away like Eilish says.