GoDaddy To Return to the Super Bowl with Some Big Honking AI Slop

I love boobs! They’re magnificent and powerful and they deserve our love and respect. They aren’t always the easiest to carry around, so people who have them deserve our love and respect as well! However, my initial infatuation with capital knockers came from a more primal place that some may describe as “hornt.” Twelve-year-old me would find any chance he had to look at boobs. Because my access to the internet was still in its infancy and there were only so many magazines you could find in the woods, the easiest place to gaze upon glorious breasts was professional wrestling.

Looking back on what pro wrestling was when I first started watching it is difficult. The misogyny is mean, insane, and rampant. It is not just in how some female wrestlers were presented, the fact that pro wrestling (especially the WWE) had a low opinion of women was on full display in interviews, video games, and anything else branded with their company name. Some promos would feel like a reverse Bechdel Test, just two men, finding a way to slut shame a woman who wasn’t present. Luckily, a lot of that shittier stuff went over my head and/or did not appeal to my younger, more impressionable, outrageously horny self. I would have followed those ladies anywhere, even to the Super Bowl.

Never one to pass up a branding opportunity, Vince McMahon’s WWE partnered with GoDaddy.com in 2005 for a Super Bowl ad. One of their then-wrestlers/valets/they may have started calling them “divas” at this point, Candice Michelle, appeared in an ad for GoDaddy. She played a woman who appears before Congress(?) to promote GoDaddy.com for its services, whatever those may be (almost twenty years later I still don’t know and refuse to look it up), wearing a tight tank top that keeps malfunctioning. It’s crazy, kind of tepid now but still boorish (intentionally so), and aimed at 13-year-old boys.

If I’ve learned anything in recent years, it’s that many men never leave adolescence. So, whatever GoDaddy was selling must have been important to those men, as “risque” Super Bowl ads became the company’s thing for a while. One commercial they made featured Danica Patrick showering as college guys watched on and then added another lady with their computer. It’s like a Maxim magazine coming to life and spraying Axe body spray in your face. GoDaddy did move away from its more teen-boy-oriented commercials and stopped doing the big game in 2015. Now they’re back, all “grown up,” and shilling AI!

GoDaddy will have a commercial in this year’s Super Bowl to tout their new AI program that’s supposed to help you do things faster or some such bullshit. This isn’t an ad for GoDaddy.com, this is me airing my disappointment. I grew up knowing plenty of creeps who aged into more efficient creeps. I’ve also known creeps who have grown into fine, upstanding people who at the very least have learned boundaries. GoDaddy going from immature perv to AI-bro is the second-worst path a pervert can go down.

I had a healthy obsession growing up that grew into loving respect. I’ve grown and bettered myself and that journey will never end. GoDaddy took a step back, looked at their business (whatever it is), and thought, “Let’s find the easy, anti-innovative way forward.” Instead of sharing God’s greatest gift to us (albeit in an immature, often offensive manner) with Super Bowl viewers, they are hawking trash technology that is speedily heating the planet. What happened to you, GoDaddy? You used to be cool (to 13-year-olds).

(I learned after writing this that GoDaddy once platformed The Daily Stormer loooong after everyone else had told those Nazis to f*** off. So! Nevermind. GoDaddy was never cool, even for dumb stuff.)