Old School. Biblically Independent.
By Andrew Sanford | News | March 5, 2026
My mother once looked me dead in the eyes and told me not to try cocaine because I would like it too much. And I haven’t! It worked (it and the fact that I always assumed since my nose was too big, I might get a deviated septum)! All it took was someone being honest with me and using logic that… resonated. I’m a big personality and can talk quite a bit (especially in social situations). I don’t need help getting all riled up, thank you very much. The only booger sugar I need is when I literally snorted Pixie Sticks for my classmates because I thought it would get a laugh (it did not).
My personality is big enough that, despite her warning working on me, my mother once pulled a girlfriend of mine aside and asked if I was doing cocaine. She and my dad had come into town to see me do stand-up. The show went really well, and I was feeling myself, to say the least. To my mom, that meant that I was on coke. Ironically enough, it was my then-girlfriend who was doing it. But, hey, parents are supposed to worry (and that’s all my mom was doing). At least she wasn’t my doctor.
That’s what happened to Conan O’Brien when he switched doctors a few years ago. I can blame O’Brien for embracing my outgoing personality because he was an example and inspiration for me growing up. So, when I heard him explain on Michelle Obama’s podcast that a doctor once accused him of doing cocaine, I understood. His kind of energy only makes sense to some if they find out he’s ripped to the teets on the finest of powders. Even when he insisted he wasn’t, his doctor didn’t believe him.
“I’ve never done any drugs,” Conan told his doctor when asked about his usage. But the doctor wasn’t buying it. He asked O’Brien again, this time specifically mentioning cocaine. The former late-night host explained, again, that he had never done any drugs. At that point, the doctor set his clipboard down and said, “This questionnaire doesn’t work if you’re not honest with me.” He then went on to cite Conan’s body of work as a reason for his suspicion.
I’d like to say that it’s wild that the doctor insisted, but I understand. Some people just can’t handle all of this (gestures wildly). He’s supposed to be concerned, and Conan was a new client for him at the time (hence the confusion). That’s a big account, so I assume he would have wanted him around as long as possible so he could charge his HMO (do people still have those?). But alas, Conan O’Brien is clean.
