CNN Lays Off Hundreds in Attempt To Break up With Your Parents

This wasn’t my initial point but I want to take a moment and talk about how hideous the CNN logo is. I spent several minutes trying to find a picture of the logo for the header and was certain I couldn’t find the right one. Surely, it doesn’t just look like someone trying to sign with their finger on a credit card machine. Not only is that the case, it’s apparently always looked that way. I’m as shocked as you are! The thing is ugly as sin, and I don’t mind saying that, because if I have to hear my father tell me one more f***ing thing he sees on that network, I am going to snap.

I will often Facetime with my parents while my kids are eating dinner so they can talk. My dad will usually be tuned in to the chat, but he will regularly have CNN in the background and interrupt the talks with me and his grandkids to say things like, “They got that guy who burned someone alive on the subway.” That’s not an exaggeration! He did that the other day while my not-yet-four-year-old kids were trying to tell him how their ballet class went. It’s incredibly frustrating, but since CNN just laid off 200 employees in an attempt to move more into digital, it may not be a problem for much longer.

My parents are the kind of people who still have a cable box, making them the kind of people CNN seems to be done with. They want younger eyes to be pumped with coverage of the same three stories for hours on end, offering little to no actual information. “The changes we’re announcing today are part of an ongoing response by this great news organization to profound shifts in the way audiences in America consume news,” explained CNN chairman Mark Thompson instead of saying “We are dying but won’t go down without a fight.”

Thompson isn’t wrong. The way people consume news is changing every day, but the idea is that CNN will be able to attract new viewers just by making TikToks or whatever dumb idea they come up with, which may include a new streaming service. If that sounds familiar, it’s because CNN already tried to have their own streaming service with CNN+ and it f***ing tanked because it’s a dumb idea. But, with new leadership comes new ways to make the same mistakes as they did in the past.

If CNN wants to drive its cable presence into the ground in favor of a digital landscape they do not understand, I support them wholeheartedly. There’s no way in hell my dad would figure out how to use a CNN app, so this could save my young children from being bombarded by stories about awful tragedies or s***ty politicians. They just want to show off their Plies. If you have a parent who can’t turn off CNN, I have a number you can call. It’s just a guy who will come over and break their cable box. It’s, like, sixty bucks, but it’s worth it.