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What Becomes of the Brokenhearted? A Pajiba Break Up Guide For When You Leave Your Ghost-Pirate Husband

By Kate Hudson | News | December 10, 2018 |

By Kate Hudson | News | December 10, 2018 |


[Author’s Note: this post was designed to be played with the above song as background music]

Hey friend, I just heard the news. You’ve decided to leave your 300-year old ghost-pirate husband. We’ve all been there.

First, let me tell you how sorry I am—a divorce is just like a loss; and since your soon-to-be ex-husband is a ghost, that loss is compounded exponentially due to his death 300 years ago. This is a rough time, and I can’t tell you that you’re close to smooth waters, yet. You have to let the waves of grief crash over you, and feel your pain…because if you don’t, you’ll keel instead of heal.

It’s a tale as old as time—pirate impersonator who legally changed her last name to Sparrow falls in love with an executed pirate prince who died 300 years ago. He wants to lay down biblically, you want a commitment—so you do what any human/ghost couple does, you get married.

You have the ceremony, white dress and all, like you always imagined…and now, just a few months later, it’s all over.

I’m sure you’re wondering what the hell happened. Don’t worry, we’re here to offer you advice, and point you towards your next steps.

You’re going to question every moment of your relationship during this time. That’s what happens in a breakup, but I’m here to tell you that you can’t do that. You can’t second guess love—we all do and say things when we’re in love that in retrospect make us wish we hadn’t. Love isn’t rational, but love is what brought you and your pirate together, and love will guide you on towards your next adventure.

You may not believe this now, but there is going to come a time in the future when this divorce doesn’t seem so painful. I know you’ve vowed to “be VERY careful when dabbling in spirituality” and that “it’s not something to mess with…” and sure that’s absolutely correct, I myself have my own troubles with the Wizards and Warlocks guild of Ithaca—but the heart wants what the heart wants. Be that a ghost-pirate husband, or to be free from said ghost-pirate husband. You gotta do you.

So what’s next?

Well, we at Pajiba want you to take care of yourself. Don’t hit the grog, or go out plundering. Try to find less destructive methods of coping with your loss. Take time to rediscover who you are, as a individual, and not as Mrs. Ghost-Pirate. I think you’re going to be surprised to realize that you can stand on your own two feet again, without an incorporeal form who by definition (of being a ghost) cannot stand on his own two feet. Not anymore.

For now, focus on yourself, and what you want.

…and look. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. Eternity is a long time, so if you find a way back to each other, in this life or the next, then ok.

Until then. Play us out, Miss Ross.

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Kate is a staff contributor. You can follow her on Twitter.

Header Image Source: Paramount Pictures