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A Former Theater Kid Reviews 'Wicked' Merch

By Emma Chance | News | October 30, 2024 |

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Header Image Source: YouTube

Wicked was the first musical I saw on Broadway. My parents are former New Yorkers and lifelong theater people, so we drove the six hours from Maine to Manhattan at least once every year to see a show and hit some museums. My brother and I were each allowed one thing from the merch table, and I opted for a “Defying Gravity” t-shirt that has since been donated to Goodwill, but the memory of wearing it to school and impressing all of my friends, who went to Disney or Florida on their school vacations, still keeps me warm at night.

My birthday is November 23rd, so there’s almost always a blockbuster movie out that week that I can drag my parents/friends/significant other to see before making them buy me dinner. This year, it’s the first installment of Wicked. I’ve been listening to the soundtrack on my commute to work every day in preparation. I f*cking love Wicked. So, I’m disappointed to find that most of the merch coming out ahead of the premiere is not worthy of a birthday gift.

(Before you whine at me about capitalism and consumerism and stuff, let me say this: good merch is a God-given right. Our founding fathers believed in life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness via clever graphic t-shirts. No one bats an eye when you buy football jerseys for your favorite players, so let me have this.)

There’s some stuff that I wouldn’t spend my money on, but at least they tried, like these Stanley cups

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…and this cute sweater, both from Target, the branded merch King.

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There are the toys, like playing cards and lego sets and special Monopoly boards—those make sense but still aren’t for me. Then there’s the obvious lazy money grabs, like this black GAP hoodie which looks every bit like a regular GAP hoodie, except it has Elphaba’s profile where the “A” should be.

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Or this leather tote that is…literally just a leather tote in black or pink. They couldn’t have even made it green?

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Or how about $76 for a four-pack of pink and green socks? No one’s gonna look at those socks and be like, “Oooh! You got the Wicked socks!”

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And don’t forget my personal favorite, the Shark Beauty hair styling tool with an iridescent green handle. It’s like your other $300 blow dryer, but it’s kinda green!

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This just shows how little our society values the aesthetic preferences of theater kids. I want a Shiz University crew neck in the style of Yale or Harvard, and no I don’t want to buy it from someone making it in their basement in Cincinnati and then selling it on Etsy—sue me! I want an everyday version of Elphaba’s hat—none of this cheesy, pointy business. That hat is floppy and chic as hell!

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How about matching flowing black and pink trench coats? Elphaba’s glasses, I want those! Okay, I guess I just want to dress like Elphaba.

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Guess I’ll have to stick with the poster.

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I hope Cynthia Erivo approves of this one.