Don’t worry, kids. I won’t mention the thundershit who is all over the news today. No, not that one. Nope. Yep, that’s the one.
On Saturday, I got sweaty because of moving around outside like an Amish person and then the second shower of the day made me too tired to go to the movies and see IT like I should have. Instead I watched Cult of Chucky on Netflix. Obviously, this was a huge mistake.
Nica (Fiona Dourif, daughter of Chucky voice Brad Dourif) is the survivor of the last movie, where her family was killed by Chucky. Alas, the court system doesn’t put Good Guy Dolls imbued with the soul of a serial killer on trial, so Nica is blamed for the murders. After some shock treatment and a conversation I didn’t hear because my dog was being a wad, Nica is placed into a psychiatric facility with a motley crew of other mental patients. Of course Chucky shows up. Of course he’s the real killer. Duh.
I have questions.
1. Why would you make a horror movie about Chucky, the killer doll, and then make me feel like I should have watched the previous entry (Curse of Chucky)? That’s not okay. This isn’t a series that gets better with time. This isn’t something creating a mythology. Have you read the Wikipedia entries for the other flicks in the series?
2. If I understand this movie correctly, you can murder your entire family (allegedly) and then they’ll put you in a minimum-security psychiatric facility with other people with mental issues after four years of electroshock therapy at a maximum-security facility? Once you “admit” that you killed your family and that Chucky was a manifestation of your psyche, you get the reward of going to a less-secure place? That seems as likely as the pack of people attending group therapy with Bruce Willis in Color of Night.
3. What kind of psychiatric facility has a patient that was convicted for murdering her family and blaming it on a doll under the care of a doctor that SHOVES A REPLICA OF THE CHUCKY DOLL IN SAID PATIENT’S FACE?? I’ve heard of exposure therapy, but not with mass murderers.
4. I hope you like questions about the psychiatric facility because: HOW ARE THERE ONLY TWO NURSES IN THAT GODDAMNED PLACE? You have Gruff-Yet-Kind Male Nurse That Mentions His Husband and then you have Dressed Like Halloween Hot Nurse Who Has Two Kids Someplace. And while I’m on that—
5. WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ANOTHER PATIENT WHO SUFFOCATED HER CHILD A CHUCKY DOLL AND THEN ALLOW HER TO TREAT IT LIKE HER REAL BABY, GIVING HER PRIVACY TO NURSE IT? IS THIS DONALD TRUMP ASYLUM, WHERE THE TREATMENTS ARE MADE UP AND THE DEGREES DON’T MATTER??
6. The original kid from Child’s Play, Andy (Alex Vincent), is in this movie as a sort of Van Helsing to Chucky’s Dracula. And they are both failures at their chosen professions. Why does Andy keep a head of Chucky’s just to torture? There’s a chance he could have prevented the events of this movie if he had doused that stitched, plastic dome in some acid or taken it on a field trip to New Orleans.
7. As I said, I didn’t watch Curse of Chucky, so if this answer is in that pile of plop, please tell me. If there was only one Chucky doll that had the soul of Charles Lee Ray in it and Andy had that Chucky’s head in a safe inside his really nice house, how did Chucky put more of his soul into other Good Guy dolls?
Oh yeah, SPOILERS FOR THIS MOVIE.
8. Jennifer Tilly reprises her role as Tiffany/Jennifer, Chucky’s girlfriend and then wife that I thought died, but maybe only in doll form? Although her doll form is in this movie and Tiffany is in Jennifer? And—I’ve got nothing.
9. Oh yeah, HOW IN THE HELL DID TIFFANY/JENNIFER GET CUSTODY OF NICA’S NIECE, THE ONLY SURVIVOR OF THE MURDER RAMPAGE? So many strings to be pulled.
10. Why did Andy hide a gun in Short Hair Chucky and send it to the psychiatric facility in hopes of that specific doll being the one to attempt to get close to him? Did Andy think he could punch the guard in the face, get into the psych ward, get out of wherever they put him, find the Short Hair Chucky, pull out the gun, and hunt Chucky Melty Fingers? He didn’t know Chucky put himself into other dolls, right?
I need a nap and some cleaning products for my brain.