Make It A Netflix Night With These 7 Garbage Movies
Are you a glutton for punishment? Do you just want to argue with the expertise of our Pajiba Movie Reviewers?
I’ve got an amazing list for you.
We’ve warned you away from these 7 turds, but they are now all available on Netflix. It’s almost like being able to watch them for free, which is great if you enjoy watching complete garbage in your spare time. Read these reviews, weigh your other options for the evening, and then immerse yourself in a pantsless hate-watch of one or more of these flicks.
1. The Loft
This movie is shit. It is a Skinemax movie with less nudity, better set design, and roughly the same caliber of writing. It’s awful, distasteful, unpleasant, and uninteresting. There is nothing even remotely redeeming about it. Every single person in this film should be ashamed of themselves. I hated every second of it, and if I could pour scalding water into my ears to burn it from my memory, I’d seriously consider it. - TK
2. The Cobbler
Alas, despite a cast that includes Steve Buscemi, Ellen Barkin, Method Man, Dan Stevens, and even Dustin Hoffman, The Cobbler fails. Miserably. None of McCarthy’s soulful poignancy translates into the concept. It’s a shoddy Sandler movie, only it trades the yell-y BOOBITY BOO for a quiet, mumbling lethargy, and God bless him, Sandler is not a very good actor. The problems are further complicated by the outlandish plot, which involves the Cobbler body-switching with several people involved in the murdering of tenants in an apartment building that stands in the way of a huge, gentrifying real estate deal. - Dustin Rowles
The film eschews many of the conventional filming approaches and instead has a rambling, insipidly mundane indie feel that on occasion staggers towards the dreaded mumblecore, and while that can sometimes work in the dramatic realm, here it frequently blows up in their faces. More often than not, we end up with an introductory narrative that feels tediously monotonous, with paper-thin characters that are both boring and offensive. It’s an extended feeling of muddled and dysfunctional dialogue that’s abruptly interrupted by an explosion of bloodcurdling violence and unpleasant goriness, creating a severely disjointed and disruptive viewing experience (not helped by being far too long — at two hours, it just felt interminable at parts). Sometimes it succeeds, in some it fails, but taken as a whole V/H/S feels self-indulgent, excessive, and often simply dull. - TK
4. Left Behind (2014)
On one level there is something so terribly smug and off-putting about the entire genre of rapture-porn. Look all the good people get plucked away, and the world goes to hell. Look at us! We were right all along, hallelujah fuckers! And that spirit of triumphant exceptionalism has about as much in common with the bedrock precepts of Christianity as bullets do with teddy bears. And one could make the very strong theological argument that the sorts of people who feel that way about rapture fiction are exactly the people least likely to qualify for the rapture by the standards of any church, Protestant or Catholic. - Steven Lloyd Wilson
Anyway, the biggest disappointment in Serena is that somehow all the chemistry and sex appeal Lawrence and Cooper shared in Silver Linings Playbook is completely extinguished here. Yeah, they’re fucking like bunnies, but it feels hollow where it’s meant to feel hot. Lawrence looks incredible, channeling Cate Blanchett realness. Cooper looks intense and all that. But the terrible dialogue proves too much for either to overcome. Then the script takes an incredibly stupid turn, transforming this movie from tragic romance to another “Don’t fuck crazy” parable. - Kristy Puchko
The Interview is not nearly as bad as Rogen’s other Christmas Day misfire, The Guilt Trip (with Barbra Streisand), but it’s easily in the bottom third of Rogen’s oeuvre. It has no teeth; the comedy is overly broad; and Rogen and Franco turn in Adam Sandler-like performances, which is to say: They’re having a lazy good time, and they don’t really give a sh*t if the audience is enjoying themselves or not. In fact, it’s exactly the kind of movie that continues to make the case for comedies bypassing theaters and going straight to home streaming services: It’s perfect background noise while you’re playing Sim City on your phone, but there’s not nearly enough to The Interview to keep your concentration focused for nearly two hours. It’s perfect multitasking viewing. - Dustin Rowles
Should you pay money to see this? Oh god no. But if someone gave you a free ticket you might as well go. That’s probably the only way you’d ever see it, because it will disappear from any memory by the time it hits DVD or Netflix, and the hard-R means it’ll never see the light of day on TNT or some such to be caught on Saturday afternoon channel flipping. - SLW
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