I know that sometimes it seems like there’s a televised awards show every single night, with so many barely differentiable trophy ceremonies that it’s the famous people equivalent of every kid getting a trophy in Little League. But that’s patent hyperbole. I’ve run the numbers and put together individualized capsule reviews of each and every awards show in 2014, and there isn’t even close to 365 of them.
Without further adieu, sorted by date, grouped by year, and including dates, times, and television channel of broadcast, the official Pajiba summary of every single televised awards show of 2014.
43rd Annual Eclipse Awards 2014 - 1/8 (11:30am HRTV)
Terrible show, had nothing to do with ranking astronomical phenomena.
2014 Baseball Hall of Fame Election Announcement - 1/8 (2pm MLB Network)
Making an awards show out of the announcement of the people in another awards show. I’d say it’s a new low, but we’re early on the list.
The 40th People’s Choice Awards 2014 - 1/8 (9-11pm CBS)
It’s technically not called “annual” so I’m wondering who the 40th people are and why they get an awards show of their own.
The 71st Annual Golden Globes Awards 2014 - 1/12 (8-11pm NBC)
Contrary to the description, not a World Cup trophy ceremony.
19th annual Critics’ Choice Movie Awards 2014 - 1/16 (8pm CW)
So CBS is the channel of the people, but CW is the channel of the critics? And they say criticism is dead.
The 29th Annual Stellar Gospel Music Awards 2014 - 1/18 (7pm GMC TV)
Terrestrial Gospel is a later awards show, this is strictly for blue-skinned alien divas.
The 20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards 2014 - 1/18 (8pm TBS, TNT)
Simulcast on TBS and TNT, that’s how you know they’re the heavy hitter of awards shows.
The 56th Annual Grammy Awards 2014 - 1/26 (8pm CBS)
Never have so many lawns needed gotten off of while citizens of respectable age wonder where their NCIS reruns are at.
2014 Breakthrough Prizes - 1/27 (9pm Science Channel)
Dude no snark here, WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THERE WAS A SCIENCE CHANNEL?
5th Annual NASCAR Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony 2014 - 1/29 (7pm Fox Sports 1)
Hosted by Jeff Goldblum with a broken leg. Think about it.
3rd Annual NFL Honors 2014 - 2/1 (8pm Fox)
National Forensic League was where it was at when I was in high school, but I had no idea speech and debate was big enough these days to warrant an awards show on Fox.
The ESPN Sport Science Newton Awards - 2/16 (5pm ESPN)
This year’s biggest trophy winner was the groundbreaking research on how concussions are a liberal conspiracy, much like the moon.
2014 EE British Academy Film (BAFTA) Awards - 2/16 (8pm BBC America)
British Academy is not in fact the official name of Hogwarts, to cut right through that bit of confusion, if you were getting excited.
2014 Hall of Game Awards - 2/17 (7pm Cartoon Network)
This is for sports awards, and it has categories such as “Alti-Dude”, “Whoa-Ment”, and “Gnarliest Newb” and I literally died for thirty seconds while typing that.
The BRIT Awards 2014 - 2/19 (9pm FUSE)
Neck and neck between Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen, just like every year.
Premios Lo Nuestro 2014 - 2/20 (8pm Univision)
I don’t speak Spanish, but my TiVo thought I was a Spanish-speaking housewife for several years, because all the random stuff it recorded was Spanish language soap operas. So I assume that this awards show is for those.
The 45th NAACP Image Awards 2014 - 2/22 (9pm TV One)
Personally I think when giving out awards for the best images it is just absurd that they don’t put animated GIFs in their own category. That’s like grouping together comedies and dramas or something equally criminal.
2014 BET Honors - 2/24 (9pm BET)
With really generic titles, I like to assume the awards show gives honors for everyday things like “best microwaved pot pie” and “neatest handwriting”. I’m probably not right, but is it really worth watching to find out?
The 22nd Annual Movieguide Faith & Values Awards 2014 - 3/1 (2pm Reelz)
By faith and values I can only assume they mean the faith and values of people who like Kirk Cameron.
29th Annual Independent Spirit Awards 2014 - 3/1 (10pm IFC)
Personally, I prefer the Collective Spirit Awards because of my firm belief in strict law and order.
The 86th Annual Academy Awards (the Oscars) 2014 - 3/2 (7pm ABC)
Hey remember when Gladiator won best picture? Now that’s critical credibility.
2014 mtvU Woodie Awards Special - 3/16 (8pm MTV/mtvU)
Just four hours of Woody Harrelson giving trophies to his dick.
27th Annual Kids’ Choice Awards 2014 - 3/29 (8pm Nickelodeon)
This whole thing is rigged, everyone knows that kids aren’t allowed to vote.
The 49th Annual Academy of Country Music ACM Awards 2014 - 4/6 (8pm CBS)
Is there actually an Academy of Country Music? Do they literally offer PhDs in twang?
The 23rd Annual MTV Movie Awards 2014 - 4/13 (MTV)
Now broadcasting on the 23rd anniversary of the last time MTV played a music video.
Radio Disney Music Awards 2014 - 4/26 (Disney Channel)
“Radio Disney Music” sounds like three completely unrelated words strung together in code.
2014 Celebration of Gospel - 4/ (BET)
This year’s feature performer was Eminem.
2014 NewNowNext Awards - 4/ (Logo)
Look, if you say “NewNowNext” fast enough and over and over again, it basically sounds like a Nazi war chant.
2014 Billboard Latin Music Awards - 4/ (Telemundo)
Spanish station, but the awards show title is in English? Check your privilege Billboard.
The 2014 American Comedy Awards - 5/ (ABC)
Because nothing says comedy like the network that brings us America’s Funniest Videos every Sunday night.
The 29th Annual Rock and Roll Music Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony 2014 - 5/ (HBO)
This is on HBO, so the chance of nudity is high. Of course there’s a 100% chance it’ll be a sixty year old’s scrote.
2014 Billboard Music Awards - 5/ (ABC)
Oh my goodness, Billboard is an actual print magazine, that is ADORABLE.
68th Annual Tony Awards 2014 - 6/8 (8pm CBS)
I still don’t know who Tony is, but this is our annual celebration of Neil Patrick Harris doing an elaborate dance routine that we all watch on YouTube the next day.
4th Annual Critics’ Choice Television Awards 2014 - 6/ (CW)
The CW was deemed a neutral platform for the critic’s choice television awards since CW has no shows in danger of being nominated.
2014 CMT Music Awards - 6/ (CMT)
Since this is televised that means the proper unabbreviated title is the Country Music Television Televised Music Awards, which sounds about par for the course for the musical genre that gave us “I had a barbeque stain on my white t-shirt”.
3rd Annual NBA Social Media Awards 2014 - 6/ (NBA TV)
Because what this world was lacking was a celebration of basketball players’ tweets. #thisiswhyidrink
The 8th Annual Spike Guys’ Choice Awards 2014 - 6/ (Spike TV)
Competition was wicked intense this year for the ethics in game journalism award.
The 41st Annual Daytime Entertainment Emmy Awards 2014 - 6/ (HLN)
The award show for daytime television airs at nights. Because the world has gone mad. And in 1993 this was broadcast in ABC and got 22 million viewers.
The 63rd Annual Miss USA 2014 Pageant - 6/ (NBC)
It took a Google search to tell me that this is not the Miss America pageant, because America and USA are different things in pageant land.
2014 MuchMusic Video Awards - 6/ (Fuse)
Much music many awards fire preeeety.
The 7th Annual Big Ten Network Awards Show 2014 - 6/ (BTN)
I went to grad school at a school in the Big Ten. It used to be called that because there were ten schools in it, the Big 12 had twelve. Then one left the Big 12 to join the Big 10 and then they both had eleven and basic logic shot itself in the fucking face.
2014 O Music Awards 4 - 6/ (MTV/VH1)
More like the Oh Oh Oh Music Awards, You know what I’m talkin’ about? Oh.
The 2014 Collegiate Women Sports Awards Show - 6/ (ESPNU)
Since Title IX doesn’t apply to broadcasters, this gets buried on ESPNU instead of actual ESPN.
2014 BET Awards - 6/ (BET)
A tragic and sarcastic awards show that gives trophies to those who have lost the most this year due to gambling.
2014 ESPY’s Award Show - 7/ (ESPN)
Winning an ESPY doesn’t sound like you’re winning a sports award. It sounds like you’ve won a fabulous little European scooter that only comes in pastel paint schemes.
The 11th Premios Juventud 2014 - 7/ (Univision)
This is just awkward because I’m pretty sure that “juventud” is an anti-semitic slur.
2014 Major League Baseball Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony - 7/ (MLB Network)
Pete Rose still isn’t in. That’s the only news of note.
2014 Do Something! Awards - 7/ (VH1)
Literally an award show that gives out nothing but participation trophies. John Wayne would be ashamed of how soft we’ve become as a country.
2014 MTV Video Music Awards - 8/24 (MTV)
MTV and music videos, oh that’s just rich. Why not just call it the “things you listen to on YouTube with the browser minimized because you’re too lazy to download Spotify and don’t want to buy the album”.
The 66th Prime Time Emmys - 8/25 (NBC)
Surprisingly not just four hours of Emmy Rossum, though that would be a substantial improvement.
The 66th Annual Primetime Creative Arts Emmy Awards 2014 - 8/ (FXX)
All the awards for technical stuff no one cares about conveniently separated from the ‘real’ Emmys and broadcast on a channel no one gets.
The 16th Edition of The Young Hollywood Awards 2014 - 8/ (CW)
Come on, if I asked you to guess which network the “Young Hollywood Awards” was on, your first six guess would have been CW right?
2014 Pro Football Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony - 8/ (ESPN, NFL Network)
Eh, still more entertaining than preseason football.
Teen Choice Awards 2014 - 8/ (FOX)
Teens are legendary for making bad choices. I hardly think we should award them for it.
2014 CMA Music Festival Country’s Night to Rock - 8/ (ABC)
It’s basically just several hours of Burt Reynolds playing a banjo. The pig is totally incidental.
2014 Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame Enshrinement Ceremony - 9/ (NBATV)
The awards show with the tallest average recipient. I assume. I mean, it’d be really weird if it wasn’t.
18th Annual PRISM Awards 2014 - 9/ (FXX)
Ok so this is an awards show for Public Relations, which is up there with an awards show for war criminals, but the number two google results for “prism awards” is for the Photonics Prism Award which is a science award and thus infinitely superior.
The 2014 Miss America Competition - 9/ (ABC)
I’m kind of surprised this isn’t on CBS since the entire audience is people who haven’t figured out how to find ladies in swimsuits on the Internet anytime they want.
The 27th Annual Hispanic Heritage Awards - 9/ (MundoFox)
By heritage they don’t actually mean awards that have to do with history, which would be way way cooler.
2014 NCLR American Latino Media Arts Awards - 9/ (MSNBC)
So the terms “Latino” and “Hispanic” have a bit of semantic dueling in certain parts of the country over who exactly they refer to and for what reasons. Must be total coincidence that MSNBC and a Fox channel each use one of terms for awards shows in the same month, right?
The 2014 People Magazine Awards - 10/ (NBC)
A Kardashian wins every award just for keeping this rag in business.
2014 BET Hip Hop Awards - 10/ (BET)
On the bright side, it’s not country music.
The 45th Annual GMA Dove Awards 2014 - 10/ (UP)
I’m just glad that Genetically Modified Assault Doves are finally getting their due. We often forget about the contributions of engineered murder birds to our society.
2014 Rawlings Gold Glove Awards - 10/ (ESPN2)
Golden. It should be golden. Because it’s an adjective and not a noun. Grammar is dead and so is baseball. This is probably the Yankees’ fault.
2014 American Humane Association Hero Dog Awards - 10/ (Hallmark)
Also know as the Sarah McLachlan video music awards.
2014 Louisville Slugger Silver Slugger Awards - 11/ (MLB Network)
Silver Sluggers are old baseball players who hit on much younger women at dive bars. I don’t know what they get awards for. Most drug resistant syphilis maybe?
2014 VHI Divas - 11/ (VH1)
I know she owns the copyright to the term and all, but it’s kind of creepy to watch Mariah Carey burn pictures of younger singers while chanting the names of their songs.
The 6th Annual TeenNick Halo Awards 2014 - 11/ (Nickelodeon)
Master Chief won the lifetime achievement award this year.
Black Girls Rock! Awards 2014 - 11/ (BET)
Well, I mean they’re no Cleveland, but who can really hold a candle to C-Town?
YouTube Music Awards - 11/3 (YouTube)
The Internet killed the video star, what now? I almost removed this because YouTube’s not a real network, but that’s a dangerous slippery slope with most of the networks on this list.
The 48th Country Music Association CMA Awards 2014 - 11/ (ABC)
Wait, there’s an Academy of Country Music, a Country Music Television, and a Country Music Association? This infinite subdivision has got to stop, but who’s going to go into Nashville and suggest that what they really need is federalism in their music?
The 2014 Britannia Awards presented by BAFTA Los Angeles - 11/ (BBC America)
I’m pretty sure that BAFTA Los Angeles is what would result if the city turned over control of public transit to Snoop Dogg, yielding the Bad Ass Fucking Transit Authority. It can’t be worse than existing LA public transit.
2014 Hockey Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony - 11/ (NHL Network, TSN2)
It was a controversial choice, but I think in retrospect that Jason Voorhees was a perfect host.
The 15th Annual Premios De La Radio Awards 2014 - 11/ (Estrella TV) & The 15th Annual Latin Grammy Awards 2014 - 11/ (Univision)
I love that Estrella and Univision have apparently had annual music awards shows dueling in the month of November for 15 straight years.
2014 Mark Twain Prize for American Humor - 11/ (PBS)
Once again Mark Twain won for being the most Mark Twainsiest, when really he should be disqualified at this point. These ultra-specific awards shows leave little tension to their outcome.
The 42nd Anniversary American Music Awards 2014 - 11/ (ABC)
Douglas Adams won all the awards this year, just on principle.
Barbara Walters Presents the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2014 - 12/ (TBD ABC)
This year’s leading metric is frequency of sex with George Clooney.
The 63rd Annual Miss Universe 2014 Pageant - 12/ (NBC, Telemundo)
Lies. No non-Earth native has ever even been nominated. The Space Pope is furious.
CNN Heroes 2014 An All-Star Tribute - 12/ (CNN)
Rather than airing several hours of different awards, they just ran the same fifteen minute loop of five awards continuously for four hours.
2014 College Football Awards Show - 12/ (ESPN)
The montage honoring the basketweaving departments across the country was a nice touch.
2014 Bronko Nagurski Awards Banquet - 12/ (NFL Network)
The NFL Network is so desperate for programming that Bronko Nagurski is literally the first person they grabbed off the street at random, and they gave him an awards banquet.
2014 Video Game Awards - 12/ (Spike TV)
I’m sure Anita Sarkeesian’s invite got lost in the mail.
The 80th Annual Heisman Memorial Trophy Presentation 2014 - 12/ (ESPN)
It’s always exciting to dedicate that large of a block of time to give an enormous trophy to the quarterback who will be the biggest disappointment to the team that drafted him three years from now.
2014 World Music Awards - 12/ (TBD)
Founded by the Prince of Monaco and hosted in Monte-Carlo. Hasn’t this been an episode of Archer?
CMT Artists of the Year 2014 - 12/ (CMT)
The over-under on number of winners wearing cowboy hats cannot be calculated using finite mathematics.
The 6th Annual Soul Train Music Awards 2014 - 12/ (BET)
Slightly fewer cowboy hats.
The NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Awards 2014 - 12/ (TBD)
The most exciting part of NASCAR this season was the series of brawls that took place after some of the later races, which means that NASCAR has officially supplanted the NHL as America’s major sport that doesn’t have a ball.
The 2014 American Country Awards - 12/ (FOX)
Dude, Fox, the “American Country” reference is redundant because no one but America listens to it anyway.
The 37th Annual Kennedy Center Honors 2014 - 12/ (9pm CBS)
In honor of all the great Kennedys throughout history, the swag bag contains a selection of boutique antibiotics.
(source: Actual Schedules)