Sometimes the Overlords go on tangents. This is the story of one of those times.
It all started yesterday, when we found out that former hot new thing Alex Pettyfer is directing himself in a new movie. Presumably because the only way for him to get cast in lead roles at this point is to hire himself, since basically everyone in Hollywood hates him (even Channing Tatum). While we riffed on why this dude is so hate-able, the topic of his tattoos came up. He has several, including “What Goes Around Comes Around” on his shoulder (which he insists has nothing to do with Justin Timberlake). But the one that has received the most press coverage is the one above his crotch…
My one and only MCM Alex Pettyfer pic.twitter.com/L59snsgulc— Carissa (@_cmaa) February 3, 2014
… which maybe says “Thank You”? Excuse me while I just —
Now, look. The tattoo is in a script that’s hard to decipher, so whatever it says, it’s basically a private (ahem) joke on women that he has with himself (as opposed to the shared joke he has with women… which is his penis). And while he is the one who initially said it read “Thank You” — “in case I forget to say it” he added with a wink — he later claimed that was a misunderstanding and the tattoo actually spells out his own name, “Alex.”
Which, like, fine — after getting more press pick-up for the gross shit he wrote over his genitals than his acting, I can see why he’d want to pretend he DIDN’T, in fact, write something so blatantly tasteless all over his crotch. But there is no way he got his own name tattooed there, because who the fuck would do that? Who would get a tattoo of their own name ANYWHERE on their body, let alone at blow job-giver eye level? Nice try, Pettyfer, but we ain’t buying it.
But back to our tangent. The Overlords subsequently picked apart just what makes “Thank You” such an appalling crotch tattoo — the smarminess! the false nicety! the implied laziness, like you can’t be sussed to just fucking verbally express appreciation! — and then proceeded to brainstorm other terrible things you could get tattooed over your genitals. Things that would still be better than “Thank You” — or at the very least, no worse than “Thank You.” So if you’re in the market for some genital-adjacent ink, feel free to use this handy guide to your benefit. Never say we didn’t give our readers something.
First up, a true story: Emily has a Dave Matthews Band quote tattooed in her general hip/abdomen area, along with a little flower. NO REGRETS.
For more 100% true Pajiban tat-stories, read our coverage here!
Other, better crotch tattoo concepts include:
- other DMB quotes! Or hell, how about Creed? “With Arms Wide OPENNNNNNNN”
- “Here I Am, Rock You Like A Hurricane”
- “I’ve Made A Huge Mistake”
- “Welcome to the Thunderdome”: equal parts “run” and “stay and see what happens”
- “There Can Be Only One”: combines Highlander with the sort of vague suggestiveness that is actually meaningless
- “Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon” (the Overlord who suggested this one immediately regretted it, to be fair)
- “Does This Look Infected?”
- “Don’t Worry, I’m Not Contagious”
But quotes are easy. How about something like:
- a picture of a dumpster fire
- a picture of your own face
- a picture of Alex Pettyfer’s face
- a picture of Mr. Clean
- a Porg. No one can resist those big, saucer eyes!
- a picture of someone else’s genitals, right above your actual genitals
- Pickle Rick
- an arrow, pointing down
- a super bro-y tribal armband… around your dick.
- a tiger, swiping its claws, but its paw… is your dick
- a fish, but the tail… is your dick
- A tree, but the trunk… is your dick
- and for the ladies, how about a bunch of shooting stars… coming out of your vagina?
- fake lipstick kisses
- a picture of a “welcome” mat
And then, against all odds, we actually came up with options that might be WORSE than “Thank You”…
- Instead of “Thank You” how about “You’re Welcome” (Full disclosure: the Overlords are divided on whether this is worse. Personally, I give it props for being cocky. Pun intended.)
- or how about misspelling that and saying “Your Welcome”?
- Per Genevieve: “I’ve been sitting here at work trying to think of the thing that someone could have tattooed above their crotch that would just make me go “Nope.” and walk away no matter what. Like, great conversation, super hot person, things going well and then just BAM instant turn off, and I think I figured it out: Splash Zone.”
- And finally, from Jodi: “MAGA”
What say you? What bad tattoos can you think of that are still better than “Thank You” — or what can you think of that would be even grosser?