(*Quietly looks around the website to make sure that Dustin isn’t paying attention*)
Psst! Hey, you. Come here, quick like. I don’t have much time before that hating sumbitch Dustin and his invectives of jealousy pounce all over this shit. I’m sure Rusty will mention this in tonight’s Pajiba After Dark, but I just wanted to highlight something going on tonight. Eight p.m., Eastern. Fox. Joe Buck and his sanctimonious cock will be announcing a little thing called Game 1 of the World Series.
On the one side, you’ve got the Evil Empire. The New York Yankees. A helluva fucking team, to be sure, but one that’s been put together at quite a fucking price. This year, it cost the team over over $200 million, in fact (almost 50 percent more than the second most expensive team, that other New York squad of losers), to compile Purple Lips, Eat-Eat Sabathia and all the other guns for hire.
And then there’s the sweet, lovable Phillies. Yes, New York, I understand that your team has won the World Series twenty-whateverthefuck times. But you know who won it last? That’s right, the World Fucking Champions! Last year, they won for the pride of a filthy city. This year, they’ll win for Harry the K.
Truth be told, it’s going to be a helluva series, and should be the best one we’ve seen in quite a few years, from a pure “love of the game” standpoint. And sadly, half of you have probably already left because you don’t give a shit about baseball, or sports in general. Good riddance. But if you’re still here, lemme tell you something. If there’s any question who you should be rooting for in the Series, there really isn’t. Rooting for the Yanks is like rooting for herpes.
Just look at it this way. You’re given the choice to sit down in a pub for a few rounds of drinks. Table one offers you A Roid, CC Sabathia, Johnny Damon, Derek Jeter and Mark Teixeira. Table two offers you Cole Hamels, Shane Victorino, Chase Utley, Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins. Which table do you honestly think you’ll have more fun at?
Jeter seems like an OK bloke but, otherwise, that Yankees table sounds like pure fucking misery. Not to mention the fact that Sabathia will steal any pub grub you order because he must be constantly fed — to steal a joke from my Facebook page, the only thing I’m worried about in this series is that Sabathia may actually try to eat Shane Victorino (*chewchew* What? They called him *chewchew* the Flyin’ Hawaiian. *chewchew* I figg’red he was *chewchew* stuffed with pineapples. *chewchewswallow* …Was still fucking tasty, tell you what).
Meanwhile, over at the Phillies table, the gals can swoon over Cole and Chase, while Shane tells the boys jokes and Ryan and Jimmy entertain everyone with beatbox remixes.
It’s an easy fucking choice, right? If you root for the Yanks, the terrorists win. So say it loud, and say it proud: “Let’s Go Phil-lies! Let’s Go Phil-lies!”
And just to end on a note of harmony, the wonderful people rooting for the Phillies and the horrible trolls rooting for the Yanks can all join together in this chant of solidarity: “Fuck Joe Buck! Fuck Joe Buck!”