The Weekly Caption Contest

By Michael Murray and Replica | Miscellaneous | November 27, 2012 |

By Michael Murray and Replica | Miscellaneous | November 27, 2012 |

(Publisher’s Note: Due to my own damn scheduling issues, the Caption Contest and results were delayed for a number of days. I apologize for the inconvenience. — DR)

The captions that you folks sent in last week were so good that I had to include a top 10, which really sucks because it’s more work. I hate more work. I hate any work, as a matter of fact, and so I respectfully ask that you send in really lame captions from now on.

These are the graphics from last week:

Coming in 10th:

llp:

I have no captions to give, but I am interested in hearing more about you beating Matthew Perry at tennis

I am always happy to talk about beating Matthew Perry at tennis. He was a ready-made celebrity when he hit our high school in Ottawa, having lived in LA with his father, who starred in Old Spice commercials, and having a mother who was dating the Prime Minister of Canada. He was also better at tennis than me, but fancy about it. He was one of those guys who would walk onto the court carrying five different racquets in the off chance that he should need a replacement should a string break on one of his precious instruments. He should have been able to beat me with a shovel. No matter, playing against him I employed the “pusher” strategy, where I simply plopped the ball back over the net never trying to make a winning shot. This frustrated and eventually enraged Perry, who was making unforced errors all over the place and screaming, swearing and throwing his racquets about leading to my inevitable and glorious victory. Both of our lives took on very different trajectories after that fateful match.

llp, for allowing me to relive this moment I present you with a video of Matthew’s dad selling cologne:

That Pac-Man lingerie. I could not bring myself to buy it. But if a guy with the right combination of irony & hope bought me that ensemble, I would wear it. (The right combination of irony & hope involves also buying whatever the male counterpart to that is - power pellet on a banana hammock, maybe?)

Sara, I want to thank you for letting us know that you would wear this outfit and that all it takes is the right combination of irony and hope to make it come true. My life has been nothing but irony and hope.

Coming in at 8th:

bastich

Are you tired of being the 98-pound metrosexual being picked on by bullies just for practicing your “Lady Gaga Lickin’ Ice Cream” dance? Start using the Charles Atlas patented “Porn ‘Stache and Big Effin’ Sword” plan, and soon you’ll be “Hero of the Beach”!

bastich, you are awarded 8th place for using the term “metrosexual.” It is a term one doesn’t hear much anymore, especially when applied to pre-pubescent boy. Well done!

Coming in 7th:

Kenny G.

Pic one: I scream…you scream…we all scream LET’S KICK THAT MOTHERFUCKER’S ASS!!!

Pic two: Page 39 from the 1977 Turkish Sears Catalog…

Kenny, this one has the unmistakable ring of truth. That boy is about one second from a beating, or at least running from a beating, and the photo is from the 1977 Turkish Sears Catalog! You would think that earns you first place, but it doesn’t.

Coming in 6th:

Legally Insignificant

1st picture: After kissing Wendy Peffercorn, Squints became an even bigger dick.

2nd picture: CMT’s made-for-tv remake of The Highlander did not quite go as planned.

Legally, I love the name Wendy Peffercorn.

Oh, hold on now. I just found out that it’s the name of real, live fictional person! I now know that Wendy Peffercorn is a smoking hot lifeguard, and so I thank you very sincerely for enriching my life, and for alerting me to the awesome franchise of Sandlot movies. For you, and for me, I present a photograph of Wendy!


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In 5th place is:

bastich:

Pic 1: Early screenshot from the Grand Theft Auto V “Fuck It, Just Run Over Everyone” mini-game.

I would buy this game in a microsecond.

Coming in 4th is:

L.O.V.E. :

You’re too kind, zeke. As an English major I used to write poetry.

Now I’m writing rhymes,
Like a rat dropping dimes,
Like Amanda Bynes snorting white lines,
Like Navy ensigns drinking beer steins,

While spending Halloween in a bar in Tijuana,
With a fake Mitt and Obama,
Dance floor hot like a sauna,
Help, help me Rhonda

Find the way back to the car,
She say, “Just follow the star”,
Walk west towards la Mar,
Nope, thats just a sign to another bar.

I like this one because we find out that L.O.V.E used to write poetry. It’s nice when we all get to know one another just a little bit better. I beat Matthew Perry at tennis, L.O.V.E. used to write poetry and Sarah would wear slutty Pac-Man lingerie. We ‘re all coming together, like a great and fierce nation!

In 3rd place is:

LB:

Albert looked longingly at the cold, refreshing ice cream. Shirtlessness could only give a man so much relief. As he stared, glorious mullet buffeted by the wind, the child began to convulse-no! He was not convulsing but was mocking Albert with his awkward dance of triumph and his ability to wear a sweet jacket in the blazing heat. Without thinking, Albert drew his authentic replica sword and posed as he had never posed before. The child, taken aback by Albert’s confident stance and “party in the back” mentality, stopped his dance.
On that day, the child learned what it meant to be a man. The next day at school, he announced that henceforth, “Billy Cyrus” was no more and that he would only answer to his full name: Billy Ray Cyrus.

This is excellent— wonderful, brilliant, top notch. For you I give this clip from Mulholland Drive which features the best acting that Billy Ray Cyrus has ever done in his life:

2nd image:

‘The horde rides towards me. I can hear them stampeding over
the horizon; I can smell their bloodlust. The rocks quiver and resonate with
their baying cries, and still they come. It cannot be too long until they are
on top of me. Some of my brothers have fallen, others have fled. I stand alone
now, but I stand still! Let them come! Let them do what they will! If I fall
here then I fall as a man! This is where I make my stand! This is where they
find a match! They will never take this place! They will not get past my
defences! They will never take my virginityyyyyyyy!’

This should win, it really should. It’s just so heroic, so epic, so goddamn real, but unfortunately for Zeke, 1st place goes to:

L.O.V.E.:

The handsome K.I.D. is grabbing the mic once again
Representing the motherfuckin’ blue ponies!

I Lick Your Ice Cream; You Can Lick My Lollipop
My 31 Flavors make the panties drop

All these fine ladies wanna lick my ice cream
I’m telling you, son, I’m living your dream
(unseen female chorus) Yum yum

All these fine ladies wanna lick my ice cream
Put it in their mouths to muffle the screams
(unseen female chorus) Yum yum

All these fine ladies call me the ice cream man
The thirsty ones get to drink from my soda can
(unseen female chorus) Yum yum

I serve it on a cone with two giant balls
Crushin the ladies like I’m Biggie Smalls
Yum yum

I Lick Your Ice Cream; You Can Lick My Lollipop
My 31 Flavors make the panties drop

[drops cone and walks away]

There are too many awesome lines to quote, but I just have to bring attention to the brilliant chorus and the end, where the handsome kid drops the cone and walks away. L.O.V.E, once again you will be receiving a type-written letter of affection, praise and titilation from Dustin Rowles. In fact, I would like to persuade Dustin, or anybody else, to rap out your Lollipop piece and post it on YouTube. It would blow Maru the Cat out of the box! For you I leave a video of a Turkish basketball player dropping the mic.

You’re beautiful L.O.V.E and we adore your poetry.