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Any Pizza Can Be A Personal Pizza, And Other Deep Pizza Thoughts

By Tori Preston | Miscellaneous | January 15, 2018 |

By Tori Preston | Miscellaneous | January 15, 2018 |


News becomes old news quickly on the internet. It may seem like a Sisyphean task, trying to keep up with the constant output of memes and articles and tweets, but it’s one the Overlords relish. Or tolerate. Or… well, some of us barely do that. Point is, it’s easy to miss things in the online onslaught, and most of the time it doesn’t matter if you do. But there’s one thing that doesn’t get old. One thing that is always relevant.


Which is why when Kristy unearthed this tweet and shared it today, it didn’t matter that it was from last February. All that mattered was that some health and fitness profile was trying to make pizza sound gross… AND THEY FAILED SPECTACULARLY.

Like, really? You think “warm oil” is going to put me off pizza? Aside from being staunchly #TeamPie, I’m also a firm believer in the alchemy of tomato + cheese + dough. Not to mention hand-foods in general, and the ability to customize foods via optional toppings. Even pineapple. EVEN ANCHOVIES. Hell, “options” is basically my favorite food group.

Also, I literally slather myself in oil on a daily basis. So don’t try and make “warm oil” sounds like anything other than a fucking spa treatment. My skin gets very parched in the winter and if I thought it’d help, I’d roll around on pizza slices AND THEN EAT THEM.

OK, that’s a lie. I wouldn’t really do that. Probably.

But I’m not the only one around here with deep (dish) thoughts on pizza. Here, then, is another long-overdue Overlord Food Slack Discussion. It’s short, it’s sweet, and it’s 100% factually correct. We know pizza.

Kayleigh Donaldson
Mmmm, pizza dipped in oil with balsamic vinegar.

If you think that’s the trick to getting people to stop eating pizza, you don’t really know people at all.

Steven Lloyd Wilson
oil is squeezed out of plants, so it’s basically a vegetable

Tori Preston
i mean, i cook my veggies in spoonfuls of oil so…

Petr Knava
‘and you know the worst thing about booze? it’ll get you drunk!’

-people run away shrieking in fear-

Jodi Smith
Pizza is good. Oil is not gonna stop me. In fact, telling me not to eat pizza will result in my eating an entire oily pizza. SO HA. I THINK.

Also, I’ve never eaten only two slices of pizza in my life. Bitch, come at me.

Petr Knava
yeah what is this ‘2 slices’

do they mean ‘2 pizzas’?

cos thats a unit i understand

Jodi Smith
2 slices? What, are we talking about toddlers here?

Petr Knava
like for real i am not a big food guy. i cant eat that much. im getting better thanks to the spanish other half, but in general my plates are left with food still on them.

not with fucking pizza. i will wolf that down until i explode. if it’s there, i eat it

Jodi Smith
if the pizza is cut into squares, I’m scientifically proven to eat three times as much. Which is like eleventy slices AT LEAST. Scientifically speaking.

Petr Knava
pizza science is best science

Tori Preston
also science? Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you try hard enough.

also those fancy, overpriced pizzas with the brick ovens and arugula and fennel and shit? That’s basically a salad right? Because I can eat twice as much of that shit.

Jodi Smith
Yes. Obvs

What do you think? Is there anything someone could tell you about pizza that would make you give it up? Do you have strong feelings about New York, Chicago, or any other style of pie? Do you (*gasp!*) blot the oil off the top? Share all your deepest pizza thought below!

Tori Preston is deputy editor of Pajiba. She rarely tweets here but she promises she reads all the submissions for the "Ask Pajiba (Almost) Anything" column at [email protected]. You can also listen to her weekly TV podcast, Podjiba

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