If you didn’t follow along with Courtney’s live blogging of the Golden Globes last night (and you really, really should have), you might not understand what a hot mess the awards were. It was the hottest and the messiest. Let’s sort the OK from the Terrible.
Let’s get the bad news out of the way. There was not a lot of “Best.” There were only a few pure, unironic, unfettered-with-cringe moments, and they were mostly Denzel Washington winning the Cecil B. DeMille Award. It was the best thing ever. His whole (unsurprisingly good-looking) family came on stage with him, he forgot his glasses, his speech was properly befuddled and touching, his wife didn’t have her glasses. There’s a reason Denzel is Denzel. I would watch him try to read that speech all night.
But a close second was Rachel Bloom winning Best Actress In a TV Series, Comedy or Musical. I won’t point out that maybe she should get two awards since she stars in a musical-comedy, but she probably does.
Actually, the winners overall were pretty awesome. Some of them were a little out of left field (Hello, Mozart in the Jungle), but that doesn’t make it any less awesome that one stage include winners Oscar Isaac, Taraji P Henson and Lady Gaga. Speaking of Taraji P Henson:
Cookie handing out cookies after her win.
Sometimes the Winners took their awesome backstage with them.
Also one of the Not-Winners produced what might have been the best planned joke of the night.
Now, if you didn’t watch the show, I need to warn you about something right now. Below is the only scripted funny moment of the night. Everything else is downhill from here. Strap in.
Yeah, Gervais wasn’t good. He wasn’t terrible, he just didn’t seem to hit his sweet spot. When given almost complete artistic freedom coupled with an expectation that he would offend, he made a few salient points about Hollywood (the Golden Globes are bullshit, NBC sucks) that still managed to not be that funny. It would be impressive if it weren’t so bogged down with bad-Dad jokes. At one point in the show, he made a Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie adoption joke. Which would have totally killed were it not for the fact that this isn’t still 2006.
See? Not funny. But far from the least funny moment of the night. That award is a toss up between Will Ferrel/ Mark Wahlberg:
And Channing Tatum/ Jonah Hill
But the absolute Worst moment of the night didn’t just lack being funny, it lacked any and all common sense: Mel Gibson.
“Ask the guy who said it. It wasn’t me.”
Do we even need Mel Gibson back? Do we need to make this happen? Is it that his comedic timing is still on point? Or that he seems all that likable when he’s “joking” around? Or is it the complete and utter lack of responsibility he seems to take for the actions that got him shunned in the first place? What a fucking douche-canoe.
The Best- Worst Moments
And then there was a whole new subset of moments at the Golden Globes. The Best- Worst moments. See, here’s the thing about last night’s awards ceremony: it was a shitshow. The audio randomly cut out, the jokes were bad, everything seemed unrehearsed. You know how you felt like the Globes snuck up on you this year? So did the director.
Which led to a few moments of sheer brilliance: the responses to the shitshow. Like when the teleprompter wouldn’t work for Amber Heard and Jaimie Alexander.
Matt Damon’s response to Gervais’ Ben Affleck joke.
Oh, and the whole fact that The Martian was nominated for and won several comedy categories? That might have been the most comedic thing about The Martian period.
But without a doubt, the Queen Mother of the Best-Worst moment was just after Lady Gaga won Best Performance by an Actress in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television Jesus Christ Could You Add A Few More Words To This Award Title.
I predict this will become The Dress moment of 2016. Was Leo being an asshole? Was Gaga being an overly dramatic diva? Did I hate her “I’m A Special Snowflake” acceptance speech?
And still everything about that Vine is amazing. If Leo doesn’t win the Oscar for this one, he just never will.