St. Patrick’s Day may be over, but considering that it fell on a Thursday this year, it’s most likely that today, tomorrow, and maybe even Sunday will be St. Patrick’s Day (Observed). A good chunk of Americans love pretending we really care about our Irish heritage (I’m so Irish y’all, don’t let my last name fool you). Oh and drinking, dear God do we love drinking. I sat and watched an animated gif of someone pouring shots of Jameson on my Facebook page this week for like ten whole minutes.
But hey, there’s no reason to sober up and get your life together even once the long weekend is over. You’ve got a literal calendar full of holidays to take advantage of your desire to get sauced. St. Patrick’s Day may be the most famous, and most bestest, but here are some other great holidays to drink on and why. We can shake things up a bit with a recommended beverage for each day too.
America has a birthday and we’re always invited. Look, you get the day off work, there’s probably something cooking up on a grill, and at some point a bunch of cool shit is gonna explode in the sky. Each one of these things is enough reason to soak your god damned American red and white blood cells with some fermented yeast and all of them together make it almost unstoppable.
Beverage: A lager or pilsner beer. A longneck bottle chilling in some ice really hits the spot in that summer sun. The lighter the beer the better. Anything dark and you run the risk of seeming pretty British or German and hey, we beat both of them in a war god dammit. Okay, well, multiple wars, but you know what I mean. Mer-ica, fuck yeah.
The holiday that might inspire drinking for the least celebratory reasons. Chances are you traveled somewhere, possibly at a ludicrous cost, and you most likely have at least one relative who you just can’t with. Even if you can deal with it, the odds are good that someone else can’t and the ensuing floor show will make you want that stiff drink anyway.
Beverage: Apple Cider Whiskey. Yeah, I wasn’t super sold on this one either. Joe Starr recommended it and I couldn’t think of anything better so we’ll just go with it. If you have a problem we can talk about it in the car later, instead of here with everyone around.
This might be the best other holiday besides St. Paddy’s Day to get drunk. It’s also the only other one where it feels totally acceptable to celebrate it on the weekend before or after, or both, if it falls mid-week. This is a really neat holiday to get blitzed for though, because if you kill enough brain cells, you can start to think you’re actually chilling with ghosts and vampires and sexy Freddy Krueger and whatever joke was kind of funny on twitter a few months before Halloween. No the dress is blue and black, we got it.
New Year’s Eve
It’s time again to pretend like we have a chance to wipe the slate clean, and what better way to do that than actually trying to wipe our own slates clean with debilitating binge drinking? Don’t worry, even if yet again you have NO ONE TO KISS at midnight, and you realize this at 11:55pm when you look around and make eye contact with that one other single lady in the room who clearly isn’t having it, next year will be better, right, RIGHT?! Look, just play it cool and slur along to “Auld Lang Syne,” you’ll be okay.
Beverage: Champagne. This sparkling white wine beverage will be handed to you in plastic novelty flutes that your hostess got at the dollar store. If you move quickly you can do it like a shot and then sneak off to pour more into your flute before they notice. Eventually you can just swill it straight from the bottle because who cares anymore anyway.
This is the happiest holiday of the year. So drink, drink in that jovial way. It’ll be fine. Everyone is having a good time. You’re having a good time. You love everyone. Don’t think about the crippling debt you’re in because the kid needed that specific Star Wars LEGO set. Jesus, when did LEGO sets get so God damned expensive and why aren’t they just themed like basic space things or something so Gregory can have some imagination and not have his experiences spoonfed to him for once in his fucking life?
Beverage: Egg Nog. With rum in it. Leave the bottle.
Look I just need this okay? It’s been a tough week, and the election has just got me up to here. It’s just something to take the edge off okay. I’m fine, this is nothing. You know what? This whole room can shut up, you think you’re better than me? You want to go? This is how it’s gonna go down huh? Can’t good times have without you hassling me. Whatever, you used to be cool. Fuck this….
Hey … I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier. You mean a lot to me and I don’t think I’ve ever told you that. No, I really love you. You’re just the best.
Beverage: Broken beer bottle. Watch your fingers.
St. Patrick’s Day 2017
Wow, last year really got away from me, huh?
Beverage: Club soda. Trust me, it’s better this way. You need a ride, you let me know.