You know what I like? Dips. If it’s kinda gooey and edible, I’ll find something to stick into it and eat it. Queso, hummus, hell — I’ll dip crackers into a jar of jam if I’m desperate enough, which is always, because who doesn’t love jam? Anyway, no list of dippy dip dips is complete without salsa, that miracle sauce that can be chunky or smooth, green or red, spicy or mild. Salsa is so versatile precisely because you can put anything in it, and it’ll still be a salsa.
Well, almost anything. Because you know what doesn’t belong in salsa? YOUR GODDAMN TESTICLES.
But tell that to Howard Webb, the Tennessee man who was recently jailed on felony charges of “food adulteration” for — yup, you guessed it — dropping his junk in someone else’s poor, defenseless salsa. The saga of the man I’m dubbing the Salsa-Ball Bandito began with a delivery order from the El Jimador restaurant in Maryville, TN. Chaneese Booker, a driver working for the Dinner Delivered online food delivery service, was the one who picked up the order — and for whatever reason, Webb was riding along with her because, I dunno, he was bored? Anyway, apparently, the person who placed the order only tacked on a tiny tip, which incited Webb to, ya know, teabag the salsa container… while Booker filmed it.
That video was then posted to Facebook, where it was noticed by another Dinner Delivered employee, who then notified the police. In the video, Booker can reportedly be heard saying, “This is what you get when you give an 89 cents tip for an almost 30-minute drive,” while Webb allegedly announced, “Oh, oh, it feels good on my balls.”
The Smoking Gun has links to the police reports and a still from the Facebook video, in case you doubt the veracity of any of this. In the end, Webb was arrested and is being held on $45,000 bail, while Booker has been fired from Dinner Delivered and is also a co-defendant in this case.
So, what have we learned?
— Tipping less than a dollar on ANYTHING is a dick move. Don’t do that. Don’t be that person.
— However, NOTHING justifies sticking your genitals into someone else’s food (unless it’s a consensual act, and if it is then hey, who am I to judge? You do you.)
— Adulterating food is a crime, and not only when the adulteration comes from genitals
— If you’re going to do something gross and illegal, don’t film it!
— If you’re going to film yourself doing something gross and illegal, don’t let that shit get posted to social media!
— And now we know that salsa feels pretty nice on testicles, all thanks to the pioneering efforts of Mr. Howard “The Salsa-Ball Bandito” Webb.
Note: As you can imagine, finding salsa/testicle images for this post was hard, so I settled for a salsa/Jean-Claude Van Damme screenshot. I ain’t sorry.