Hey, Miscellaneous Celebrity! Is your reputation in tatters? Do you worry that you’ll never work again? Are you white? Never fear: the Teflon White People PR Agency is here to help!
Celebrity PR used to be so earnest and time-consuming. The way things used to be, if you made an ass of yourself, your options were some (if not all) of the following:
Apologise profusely, preferably on video. Gather your family around you and try to summon up a few tears for the camera.
Ensure you are photographed doing as many good deeds as possible, preferably those involving small children or cute animals.
Allow yourself to be roasted on TV. This one was only for the truly brave.
Sign up for a reality TV show, and push hard for a redemption arc in the editing.
Take a career break and wait a few years until people have forgotten all about your mishap. If possible, wait for nostalgia to cloud everyone’s judgment.
Who thinks that just sounds exhausting?
It gets worse. Even if you followed all of those steps, there were no guarantees. There was still a chance that you would have to retire to civilian life, crossing your fingers that you stashed away enough dollars to keep your fancy house. The horror!
With our help, you can be back out there in no time. Here at the Teflon White People PR Agency, we will develop a customized Pivot to Awesome! program for your needs, tailor-made to boost exposure with no requirement for public apology, expression of regret or whiff of sheepishness.
With Pivot to Awesome!, the joke isn’t ON you any more. The joke is yours to reclaim!
Did you forget what happened in the Holocaust? Were you humiliated on a daily basis during your own press conferences, so much so that you had to hide in a bush? No problem! The Teflon White People PR Agency can fix that! Maybe there’s a well-loved impression of you that we can work with. All you have to do is an impression of the impression and people will love you too! It’s meta! And it’s a win!
Were you publicly outed as a snake by Kim Kardashian? Did that blow a hole in your Nice Girl Narrative? No problem! The Teflon White People PR Agency has recently started taking on female clients, and we can totally turn this around. Here’s an idea! Let’s re-frame that narrative you wrote that you said you wanted to be excluded from, and make you look like a self-aware pantomime villain. The IDGAF attitude is so hot right now. Sorted!
With the Teflon White People PR Agency, the sky’s the limit. So don’t suffer in silence! Just because you’ve been a terrible person doesn’t mean you have to atone for your sins, or try to redeem yourself in any way. Embrace the Teflon White People way, and Pivot to Awesome!
Terms and conditions apply. Women will only be eligible for representation by the Teflon White People PR Agency if they are pretty and skinny. British radio and TV presenters from the 1970s are not eligible for the Pivot to Awesome! program. The Agency will not be responsible for any inadvertent backlash from their clients’ participation in this program.