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Tarantulas Crawling Across San Francisco While Fish Species That Can Survive on Land Found in Georgia
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Old School. Biblically Independent.

What Should Scare You More? The Hordes of Amorous Tarantulas or the Georgian Fish That Can Live on Land?

By Kayleigh Donaldson | Miscellaneous | October 10, 2019

Simpsons Three Eyed fish alien.jpg
Header Image Source: Fox // Frinkiac

Eventually, the planet will burn to a crisp as global warming consumes us all, decimating humanity from its crumbling surface and leaving the land free to start once more without the meddling of our technological hubris. However, that’s at least seven or eight years away, so until then, we still have enough time to let nature f*ck us over a little more in a perfectly justifiable act of revenge.

For our resident arachnophobes, you may wish to steer clear of the greater San Francisco area for a few weeks, as reports indicated a dramatic increase in tarantula activity in the region. Warmer than expected Fall weather has been to blame. Scientists have ensured us that they’re not harmful to humans, but these people are clearly liars. Apparently, we’ve nothing to fear from their hordes or the fights they get into because that’s just typically douchey male behavior as the dude tarantulas try to fight for mating rights. This should die down after a few days, but once again, stay vigilant and don’t trust anything with more than four legs.

But Kayleigh, you may ask, why should we fear the horny octo-legged spiders of the world when there are literal fish who can now live on land? You make a strong case. Why not freak out about both? But seriously, this is also terrifying.



This invasive fish species is the northern snakehead fish, and it was found in a pond in Gwinnett County, Georgia, on Tuesday. The state Department of Natural Resources’ Wildlife Resources Division are now investigating how this animal, which can breathe air and survive on land, managed to get to Georgia waters. This is a first for Georgia (it’s illegal to possess one without a valid wild animal license) but snakeheads have been reported in 14 states nationwide. If you’re in Georgia and you catch one of these, you need to kill it and freeze it immediately. Don’t let the land-fish win. I’ve read Junji Ito manga. I know how that ends.

But of course, the eternal winners of the asshole animal championships are the mighty geese. The acclaim of Untitled Goose Game has clearly gone to their heads and now they’ve gone mad with power.




Honk.