Scientists Finally See Sense And Decide That Glitter Is Evil, Should Be Banned
There exist certain cast iron truths in our universe. The velocity of a body with non-zero mass cannot ever travel as fast as the speed of light, for example.
Similar to that, but arrived at in the opposite way—in that this time it is the scientific community playing catch-up to what any discerning member of the public already knows—is that glitter is fucking evil.
Yes, glitter, that dry noxious devil jizz, that first choice of envelope stuffing psychopaths everywhere, that horrific and violent explosion of tenacious colour is now facing calls for its banning, following a recent heartbreaking discovery that found that a third of all fish caught in the UK contained varying amounts of microplastics within them. A third of all fucking fish had plastics inside of them. If that’s not enough to make you wish Gaia would just wake up and sneeze us off into the cold vacuum of space then I don’t know what is.
Now obviously it’s not just glitter that is the culprit here, as the combination of our species’ dependence on plastics and—shall we say—‘relaxed’ attitude to waste disposal ensures that steadfastly remain one of those ‘host-killing’ variations of parasite. But it’s certainly a part of the problem. Enough of a problem that the rising tide of evidence is leading to a growing movement within the scientific community beginning to call for its ban.
To which we all say: