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Nothing Says Friendship Like Forcing Your Friends To Watch Bad Movies

By Seth Freilich | Miscellaneous | January 17, 2017 |

By Seth Freilich | Miscellaneous | January 17, 2017 |

I’m an idiot. My friends are idiots. So when we get together, idiocy happens. Part of that idiocy is making stupid side bets on anything. Perfect example — a couple of us were having dinner at Benihana the other night because why not, and so two of my friends made a prop bet on whether the first tossed-in-the-air shrimp would go in the chef’s pocket or his hat. It used to be, these stupid little bets would have a small wager under them, five or ten bucks, that sort of thing.

But my friends are not only idiots. They’re also god damned geniuses. And so it was, on a night a few months back, that Book Report Bets came into fruition. There are some complications and side rules but the underlying premise is simple — instead of betting with cash money, the loser has to watch a shit movie of the winner’s choosing and write a 500+ word book report style review of the movie. And because my friends toe the line of idiocy and genius, we locked up so that our crappy bets and movie reports could be aired in public.

I’ve had to do two of these damn things so far. The first book report bet was for Rubber, which was a fun one because that movie is bonkers. But this weekend, I had to do a book report on the pile of human waste that is United Passions. That’s that FIFA movie from last year that literally made less than a grand in its US opening weekend. It’s A-trocious. With Rubber I tried to write it like a true high school book report, full of the same kind of bad writing and made up themes that all my high school homework had. But I couldn’t even with United Passions. Case in point:

Conclusion - How did the story end? Oh holy shit, get this. It could’ve ended somewhere near the present day, showing Sepp’s ouster, the weight of his mass corruption finally caving in on top of him. But instead, and I am not making this up. Seriously now. It ends with an implication that FIFA and Sepp are responsible for ending South African apartheid.

…choke on a dick, FIFA.

If you’re curious, a friend has also reviewed The Guardian, two friends are both watching/reviewing The Tree of Life, another friend is avoiding his duties to watch and review Jupiter Ascending, and one poor bastard has to go see Boss Baby in the theater (he’s the one who lost the shrimp bet — it went in the hat, and he bet pocket). …I also have a third movie coming, god damn it, because I keep losing these stupid little bets to the same mother fucking friend.

Anyway, feel free to start using this idea as your own. Make your friends suffer in a way that is fun for the whole group.

Seth is a Senior Editor and sometime critic. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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