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Klingon Proverbs, Right-Wing Assh*les and the “Most Handsome Kids in the Barrio”

By Paddydog | Miscellaneous | June 28, 2010 |

By Paddydog | Miscellaneous | June 28, 2010 |

It’s been a whole week since we last checked into the goings on in South Africa (mostly because both of my computers crashed this past week). After the drama of the early qualifiers I was worried things might settle down into having just football to discuss, but at this point I’m fairly sure we can rely on Sepp Blatter and his henchmen to provide us with enough arrogance to keep the adrenaline flowing long into the night.

In the wake of France and Italy’s walk of shame to the early flight home, right-wing politicians in both countries have been quick to blame the immigrant element for ruining their teams. In France we heard bullshit about the team representing the “spirit of the cité,” (a term typically used to refer to immigrant housing projects) “devouring” French society. In Italy they went one further with an actual government minister blaming “luxury immigrants” (who play on the domestic teams) and suggesting “we need to get our own home-grown lads playing in our clubs.” You know what was really great about Germany’s Four-One Two victory over England? The German side, a beauty to behold yesterday in terms of team cohesiveness and strategy, has more sons of immigrants on its team than it has ethnic Germans. So screw you racist assholes. Take your hate-filled innuendo, move to Arizona and leave us alone to enjoy planning the slow painful death of several referees.

Too bad about Los Gringos. After that really wonderful last minute goal against Algeria and leading the group, they just didn’t ever get in a groove on Saturday. I’m hopeful this doesn’t mean everyone promptly loses interest here in the US, and on the bright side it’s nice to see one African team left in the tournament. I continue to love Maradona. His press conference yesterday was fabulous. While not as colorful as the time when he claimed Pele lost his virginity with a man, he managed to turn the whole event into an “ugly duckling blossoms” moment; he let us know how upsetting it is that he can’t swear on the sidelines and; he stole the prop ball as he walked off.

Uruguay is the sleeper cell of this tournament. They have a solid chance of beating Ghana if both teams play as they did on Saturday, but they’ll have a pretty tough time against either Argentina or Germany after that. For my book, since the refereeing this year has been so atrocious, I think very few people would complain if they make a couple of on-field decisions that keep the hotness that is Diego Forlan on our screens just a little longer. Which brings me to my biggest problems with ESPN’s feed: why, oh why do they cut back to the studio almost as soon as the game is over? We want to see the cheering fans, the weeping fans, the celebrations and most importantly of all: the jersey exchange. Abs ESPN, we want abs. And every time you cut back to the talking heads we miss out on the finest abs arguably in any team sport.

I’m off now to watch Brazil v Chile. But I can’t resist noting for the record that it was 59˚F in Bloemfontein last Tuesday, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.